fierynotes: Picture of Hotstreak, from the cartoon Static Shock.  He looks annoyed. (annoyed)
Okay, kids, let's gather 'round the campfire. I'm going to tell you a spooooooky story.

Once upon this time, there were these two camp counselors, named Ace and Gary. They were both full of football, red meat, and passion for their wives, and they loved the little tykes in their care. Anyway, they were at summer camp with a bunch of kids, about to dress up for Halloween...

What? No one trick or treats in the summer? Um. This is in the little town of Gravity Falls, so it's actually Summerween. But they still dress up and collect candy, so my point stands. (Whew.)

Anyway, the little kids were all dressed up as cute, adorable little vampires, ghosts, frankenstein monsters, and whatnot. Gary was dressed up as a seventies cop -- Ponch or Jon, I forget which -- and was just putting on the finishing touch: a seventies wig.

But! Little did he know that the seventies wig he put on was CURSED! Strange unfamiliar desires came over him, and before he knew it, he was undoing Ace's pants with his teeth and sucking his dick! Aaaaaaaaaah!

(This spoooooooky story was brought to you by an overactive imagination, an unhealthy dose of sarcasm, and exposure to this unlikely artifact.)

Item #: SCP-1069

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1069 is currently stored at Warehouse [redacted], with appropriate warnings of its effects. No further containment is necessary.

Description: SCP-1069 is a wig mimicking a common men's hairstyle in the seventies. Its only anomalous feature is creating strong homosexual desires in adult men who try it on. In other tests (see Log 1069-217-███), it creates compulsive fear of catching cooties from same-sex peers in underage tests subjects. No further testing is authorized.

Dear Amazon,

A gay wig? Really?

[personal profile] fierynotes
fierynotes: Picture of a B diminished 7th chord (B, D, F, A flat) followed by an inversion, in flames. (Bdim7)
I ended up hearing one of the old classics of the death metal genre lately: "Spiritual Healing" by Death, first released in 1990 and hailed as both a classic and a landmark achievement in the genre. It hasn't aged well. Or maybe I'm just no fun anymore.

Track one: a song about crack babies... and the lyrics are complete bullshit. Seriously, I had the same lectures in High School about how those horrible evil drugs would create horrible evil birth defects in children that Chuck clearly had, complete with pictures illustrating anencephaly, harlequin ichthyosis, and other horrific images. The difference is that Chuck clearly bought into the bullshit.

Track two: a song about those horrible women who have abortions. Yyyyeah. Metal has a few of those. Don't get me started.

And so on. While I do need to give Death a small amount of credit for trying to come up with lyrical ideas beyond "what can we scream about that will piss parents off," they still fail.

The music, as well, has aged poorly. I realize that death metal owes a huge debt to Chuck Schuldiner, but at the same time it has moved so far forward since his death. Take, for instance, this song (which admittedly borrows heavily from Prokofiev). Or this one. Or this one. Or this one. They're all still unequivocally death metal, but they all sound so vibrant in comparison to Death, which sounds almost sterile in comparison.

As we get older, I hear we're supposed to get stuck in the past and whine about how everything was much better in the good old days. "My music was better, and we had to walk barefoot, in the snow, ten miles, uphill both ways, to buy it." I'm having the exact opposite problem: I dare not look back. I heard Metallica perform one of their old classics on The Colbert Report, and couldn't believe this was once a band I loved. I loved both Death and Metallica, in the past. Perhaps I should have left them there.

The cool thing is that I'm going to be genuinely pleased to see what comes next in music. Of course, most of it will be junk, but most of everything is. The sad thing is... lately, I got to see Wintersun, Fleshgod Apocalypse, and Arsis live -- three bands I truly love. (All three of those clips are from the show I went to, and in fact I probably cracked a rib in the pit there. I didn't get it looked at, because I didn't have insurance quite yet, but I was moving very gingerly for a few weeks afterward.) Will I still love them in another ten years?
fierynotes: Picture of Tarvek, from Girl Genius, facepalming. (facepalm)
I've been dipping too much into the deep end of the so-called Manosphere again. Perhaps it's because I'm in a much happier place lately (a new job I like a lot more than my last one will do that), but it doesn't anger me as much as it once did. But whatever, I'm feeling magnanimous enough to give them advice. Not that they'll ever take it, but here goes...

Guys? There's this thing called No True Scotsman. It's a fallacy, but you should use it anyway. Whenever one of the people on your side says something horrible (which is often), say "we're not all like that." As evidenced by the number of people who use it in reference to Christian lunatics, bullies, and other assholes, despite being a fallacy, it often does work.

If you're going to claim that rationality is a uniquely male trait, try not to look like a raving lunatic. Not that it will help, since even if you're rational, most of your cohorts are raving lunatics. See my previous paragraph. Whenever one of them says horrible and irrational things like "the idea of fucking your shit up gives me an erection" with respect to feminists (which is often), just say "we're not all like that."

If you're going to claim that self-awareness is a uniquely male trait, show some of it. Speaking as a man who is more self-aware than most, my self-awareness is reflected in my words and deeds. I am aware that my actions have effects on my fellow human beings, and I try to judge my actions accordingly... sometimes, to the point that I have to break myself out of a a certain kind of over-cautious paralysis. If you behave like a typical thoughtless clod, you either lack this self-awareness you claim women lack, or you have it and you just do whatever the hell you feel like anyway because you're self-aware and that's how nature made you... which makes you a rationalizing animal, not a rational one.

If you're going to claim that women have been conditioned to demand weddings that cost tens of thousands of dollars... well, true, women don't need an expensive wedding. People don't "need" expensive cellphones either. (My cellphone was less than a hundred, with no contract. Apple's iPhone 5 and Samsung's Note II are both over six, unless you're in the US and you're okay with a cellphone company owning your soul for two years.) People don't "need" expensive cars. People don't "need" high-end computers. (I'm typing this screed up on a three-hundred-dollar netbook. The MacBook Pro starts at four times that. There are people who actually need high-powered computers, but if your primary use of your computer is typing up anti-woman rants on the internet, you're probably not one of them.) Your complaint here isn't with women. It's with the force of (un)nature known as Marketing, and it affects all of us. Any "rational" person would see that, rather than cherry-picking one example and blaming women for it.

If you're going to claim that men invented civilization and that women are just not capable of doing anything important but they can sure hate men while using all the tools men gave them, make sure you're not composing your sexist rants while using wifi (which Hedy Lamar helped develop, since she invented frequency hopping), nor software (which Grace Hopper helped develop, since she invented the compiler), nor hardware (Lady Ada Lovelace). I feel safe in suggesting that the printing press is probably free of feminine influence¹. Try using that. Otherwise, you'll be condemning the people who gave you the gifts you take for granted... sorta like you accuse women of doing.

If you're going to claim that teh ebil feminists are painting all men with an overly broad brush, be very careful when discussing hypergamy. If you're claiming men are all misjudged one moment and spouting off shit that sounds like "all women are gold-digging cunts because science" the next, you're gonna look like a ginormous hypocrite. Actually, you should be very careful when discussing women generally, period.

If you're going to claim that women are all lying bitches when it comes to rape and that rape is a really rare thing, you should try to silence the evo-psych preachers in your own ranks who speak about "rape as a historically viable reproductive strategy," and the MRAs who try to excuse rape by suggesting that men can't help themselves because they're "drunk on feminine beauty." Failing that, just say "we're not all like that." No, that really won't help, now that I think about it. Best to just drop the "lying bitches" line altogether.

If you're going to claim that rape is really no big deal and that women are just making a mountain out of a molehill, you shouldn't make a big deal out of it when rape happens to men, too (TW). Doing this makes it look like you're okay with rape as long as it only happens to women, which is a morally reprehensible position.

If you actually care about stopping rape from happening to men, start your own discussions for it. It's a serious subject, one that intersects with masculine expectations as well as humane treatment of prisoners, and it deserves its own space. If you do all this, you'll find many feminists that agree with you -- the whole idea that rape is acceptable when committed against certain people is one of those things feminism is against. As it is, if you barge into a discussion of rape as it happens to women and demanding that the subject change to men, that cheapens both subjects. It makes it clear that you think stopping rape from happening to men is more important than stopping it from happening to women, and it takes the serious subject of rape against men and reduces it to a tool for silencing discussion.

If you're going to claim that women have it easy, and that (for instance) all the bad shit in wars is happening to men and not women, try to do it in a crowd that's not smart enough to google for war crimes while adding terms like "vitriolage," "rape camp," or "fistula" (TW). Also, try to make sure they're not smart enough to understand that tactics like siege, terrorism, and insect warfare aren't exactly gender-discriminate. This means never make this claim in front of any feminist, or even any budding feminist over the age of twelve. Save that for the Voice for Men and MGTOW fora, where they'll actually believe that shit.

And finally, if you're going to claim that "equality" means that you can now hit women for being annoying, because women don't need special protection anymore, consider how many times you've hit other men. Chances are, this is a very low number. Now, consider all the people who want to hit you for being annoying, but refrain from doing so because we're civilized. Women aren't asking for a special privilege, here. They're asking for the same freedom from being hit that you already have.

    1. I should add, since most of the Manosphere claims that all progress is made by alpha and beta males working to support wives and offspring, that while the printing press might be safe and hypocrisy-free to use, paper isn't. I don't know what Greek letter they put in front of "male" to refer to eunuchs, but I feel safe in guessing it's not alpha or beta.
fierynotes: Picture of Arsenal, from DC comics, who clearly sees something he likes. (leers)
Saw a lot of TV at work lately. Since my new job doesn't have idiot boxes blaring in the background, this will likely be my last foray into television for a while. (Most of these comments were written before I left my electronics retail job in favor of drawing blood.)

Phineas and Ferb: Still seeing new episodes of this show regularly at work. It's still awesome. I've clearly done Disney a grave disservice by assuming that all their shows are idiotic. Maybe I should give other Disney shows a chance...

Kickin' it: "You take some duck and some poop and some duck and some poop, you get a duck poop stack, a duck poop stack!" The serious stuff in this show involves at least one moral per episode. The less serious stuff is seriously weapons-grade dumb. I'm totally not kidding about duck poop.

Dog with a Blog: Disney seems to have no problem occasionally casting pretty dudes with long hair. Speaking as a dude with long hair who's often mistaken for pretty, I like this trend. Too bad the show's kinda awful -- the talking dog is the most clever character on it. And okay, I kinda laughed out loud when he came up with the idea of a ranch for free-range "bacon-wrapped cats."

Lab Rats: I was hoping that this show would be clever from the frequent appearance of science, mad and otherwise, in it. I haven't been this disappointed in a dumb-as-hell show since I first discovered that The Big Bang Theory was dumb-as-hell.

Crash and Bernstein: Disney meets Jack-ass with a muppet. This show makes Kickin' it and Lab Rats look like fucking brain surgery. Okay, I think I've given Disney shows enough chances by now. I won't be watching any more unless I get specific recommendations.

Gravity Falls: On the subject of specific recommendations, a friend told me I needed to get into this, and so far it's really good.

MASH: Saw this movie lately. I've clearly been under the influence of evil feminists for too long. I found the scene with Major Houlihan getting exposed during a shower not even remotely funny, and honestly, if someone did that to one of my female friends in real life, I might help her hide bodies. I've seen the TV show, and enjoyed it a lot more than I enjoyed this movie.

Animal House: This movie might have been funny, though kinda dumb, back before we had a smirking, privileged, sociopathic chimpanzee in the White House for eight years. Seeing it post-Bush is an altogether different experience -- it's quite a bit funnier, and at times terrifying.

Trading Places: Watching a black grifter, a formerly-privileged white guy, a butler, and a hooker screw two unscrupulous rich assholes is kinda gratifying, and there are reasons this movie is a classic, above and beyond a pretty terrific cast. It's definitely a product of its time though. The scenes with Dan Aykroyd disguised in blackface would never fly in a movie made today.
fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)
A series of animated .gifs has been going around Tumblr. I just had to go find the scene:

I didn't have any success with a scene in which an alien androgyne asks Riker to describe his sexual organs to her¹, which was amusingly awkward for Riker, but if I'd found that, I would have posted it, too. As it is, I just have aliens trying root beer.

(My use of the pronoun "her," above, is not misgendering. The being in question was actually female, though she had to hide it from the rest of her species (her species stigmatized its small handful of "male" and "female" members), and eventually her brain was "corrected." This episode was really good -- not only was it a scathing commentary, but it had a conventional leading man falling in love with a being that would be at an unconventional point of the gender spectrum if they were human, and it was depicted positively. I consider this both a social good in and of itself, and a delightful way to piss off certain kinds of assholes.)
fierynotes: Picture of Hotstreak, from the cartoon Static Shock.  He looks annoyed. (annoyed)
So, Orson Scott Card has released a statement lately, about that movie coming out.

" Ender’s Game is set more than a century in the future and has nothing to do with political issues that did not exist when the book was written in 1984.

"With the recent Supreme Court ruling, the gay marriage issue becomes moot. The Full Faith and Credit clause of the Constitution will, sooner or later, give legal force in every state to any marriage contract recognized by any other state.

"Now it will be interesting to see whether the victorious proponents of gay marriage will show tolerance toward those who disagreed with them when the issue was still in dispute."

"Tolerance," eh? I wonder what he means by "tolerance?"

"Laws against homosexual behavior should remain on the books, not to be indiscriminately enforced against anyone who happens to be caught violating them, but to be used when necessary to send a clear message that those who flagrantly violate society's regulation of sexual behavior cannot be permitted to remain as acceptable, equal citizens within that society. The goal of the polity is not to put homosexuals in jail. The goal is to discourage people from engaging in homosexual practices in the first place, and, when they nevertheless proceed in their homosexual behavior, to encourage them to do so discreetly, so as not to shake the confidence of the community in the polity's ability to provide rules for safe, stable, dependable marriage and family relationships."

Okay, if that's the level of "tolerance" he's asking for, I find I can live with that. I can be far more magnanimous than that, really! With that in mind...

Go eat a dick, Orson. I'll consider seeing your movie when you're dead and therefore can't funnel your profits from it into promoting hateful causes.
fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)
Spending an hour reading about all the things the SCP Foundation is protecting us from, right before going to bed, is not a good idea. Spending an hour reading up on Keter-class objects in particular, again right before going to bed, is really not a good idea. I'm not saying there's nothing worth reading there -- on the contrary, it's great creepy fun and I devoured a lot of it -- but timing is important.

(In particular, SCP-231 (warning: rape, pedophilia) is a disturbing read.)
fierynotes: Picture of Daimon, from Marvel comics, without a shirt.  'Look at me, I have muscles!' (flirty)
So, a friend of mine sent me a link to a porno, and I'm about to post it without laughing at it, mocking it, or savaging it. This is a rare thing for me! Before I do so, I'd like to thank [Martin] (I've mentioned him occasionally here), who saw it and immediately thought of me. I'd also like to thank Priminho (whoever they are) for mistagging at as gay, as [Martin] would probably not have found it otherwise.

NSFW (contains beef, sausage, and fish¹)!!!

By conventional straight porno standards, this video fails, because one does not cast men that look like this in straight porn, nor does one devote so much screen time to such a man if he gets cast by mistake. After all, straight guys watching porn don't want to see that -- what are they, queer or something? By gay porno standards, this video fails, because while the guy is certainly worthy of attention, there's a hot and nimble naked woman in it, and some gay guys are very vocal about having panic attacks at the very sight of vag (*cough*tigerwolf*cough*). In addition, there's no money shot at the end, and the pacing is deliberately, almost agonizingly slow.

All that said, I enjoyed this clip very much, and have much respect for the performers and the director for trying to make something cool and different. I hope for many sequels. Maybe one in which the man takes his turn lavishing attention on his female costar...!

    1. "Fish" is a slang term used by gay men, referring to vaginas and their owners. It's rude. Don't use it. The only reason I used it here is because there are two other meat references in the same sentence.

fierynotes: Picture of Jerry Springer surrounded by the flames of Hell, with the caption 'What the fucking fucking fuck?' (wft)
...because they give the world so much.

Any given typical person, if they got a foreign body stuck in their rectum, would be mortified and hope that no one ever found out just what they had to visit the ER for. They'd claim to have fallen in the shower on their partner's neck massager, and hoping that no one comments on how it was conveniently upright at the time. They'd claim to have been attacked in a home invasion by burglars armed with sex toys. In short, they'd lie their foreignly-embodied ass off.

Not this guy! He live-tweeted the whole visit! And gave Energizer batteries a glowing endorsement I'm sure they'd be happier not to get!
fierynotes: Picture of Daimon, from Marvel comics, without a shirt.  'Look at me, I have muscles!' (flirty)
A lot of medical videos, to be exact. Some of the videos I've been watching, like lectures on Arterial Blood Gas collection, are really of interest only to vampires. Some of the videos I've been watching, like cyst and zit lancings, are just amusingly gross.

And one video (NSFW, contains beef and sausage) is ostensibly on choking and what to do about it, but one of the lecturers decided that if she was going to demonstrate things like the Heimlich maneuver on a live model, she was going to get one who looks good naked. It's a completely gratuitous display of nudity that no one can complain about because it's a medical lecture... and because my f-list is heavy on the ladies (and a few men who'll also appreciate it), I'm sharing it.

(I tried wiling away my lunch hour with the video game Candy Crush, but got sick of it in short order. As pretty as it was, it was murder on my phone's battery, it nagged me for money too often, it nagged me to join FaceBook too often, and after a while, it decided that I could only play once every twenty minutes unless I wanted to pony up money for it... at which point, I decided I'd rather go on YouTube. Or hell, read a book.)
fierynotes: Picture of Daimon, from Marvel comics, without a shirt.  'Look at me, I have muscles!' (flirty)

One of these days, when I have tons of free time (yeah, that's gonna happen any time soon!), I'm going to write the new James Bond novel. The main villain is going to be named "Perfidious Snatch."

(Icon choice because I did way too many weighted crunches a couple of days ago, and this video reminded me of that fact. Rather painfully.)
fierynotes: Picture of a B diminished 7th chord (B, D, F, A flat) followed by an inversion, in flames. (Bdim7)
One of these days, I really need to weed a few things out of my YouTube subscriptions.

Andy Rehfeldt will not be one of them. He's awesome.

There's this band called Carcass, who were one of the big players in the grindcore scene back in the day. The differed from most grindcore in that there was a certain sly humor to their music, and you needed a fuckin' medical dictionary to figure out half of the lyrics. Anyway, here is a live performance by Carcass, and here is what Andy Rehfeldt did to it! Carcass, Radio Disney-fied! It's fantastic! I'm picturing him as an evil Doctor Doofenschmirtz, with a new invention called a Radio Disney-inator, and no platypus to stop him!

I've said it before: you need to have a sense of humor about music if one of your favorite genres is perceived as noise by most people.
fierynotes: Picture of Discord. (discord)
Have you seen this video?

The video is hidden under a cut because the preview image is a pair of tits. Aside from bordering on NSFW, it's not exactly a clear representation of the subject of the guy speaking in the video. )

It's a character named Dan Cardamon, who is a complete MRA, PUA, EP, and DB. He's a character created to mock certain attitudes that are common in those groups, and the actor playing him ought to be applauded: from the disdain in every word, to the fedora, his performance is pitch-perfect. It's hilarious... and kinda depressing.

I don't normally recommend looking in YouTube comments, but the comments in this video are full of lolz and butthurt, and no doubt the lolz and butthurt are growing by the hour. I haven't seen this level of butthurt in response to obvious humor since Paul Elam over at AVfM decided that the tweet "kill all men hail satan" was hate speech against men!

...but feminists are the ones who don't have a sense of humor, amirite?
fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)
This is half a bottle of Everclear, and the zest of a half-dozen lemons. (Sadly, the Everclear was the 151 proof, not the 190 proof. My state apparently doesn't allow the 190. Still, 151 is a better solvent for this purpose than the 80 proof vodka I was considering until I saw this stuff.)

Isn't it pretty? Only two hours, and it's already turned the alcohol yellow! Imagine what it will look like in a few days! Very soon, I shall add a few other ingredients, put it in tiny bottles, and sell it to desperate men at an absolutely ridiculous markup. After all, if you just put a dab behind each ear and another dab below the navel, all the whores will find you irresistible!

Actually, I tease. After several days, I plan to filter out the lemon zest, water the alcohol down to something reasonable like 80 proof, and add sugar. Even if I can't attend WesterCon in person, I still plan to attend in spirit, and this is one of the spirits I'm asking an old friend to take with her. (One of them was going to be lime, but limes are harder to zest -- the zest part is thin and delicate, and the pith is a real pain to scrape off. I may try again later, or I may give up and go with other ideas.)
fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)
These days, most of my TV consumption (aside from the internet) is either at work, or at the gym in the cardio section. I look forward to receiving a box from Amazon with a waterproof mp3-case-and-headphones and some shampoo that's good for overexposure to chlorine -- when that arrives, I'll be able to cut some TV out of my life. Still, there's some interesting stuff on.

Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown: I've come to expect Anthony Bourdain to be a culinary daredevil, so in one respect, I was disappointed by this show -- no discoveries of disgusting things that turn out to be delicious. On the other hand, it's very cool that he explores little places out in the middle of freaking nowhere that happen to serve stellar food. Any idiot can find great food in New York or Tokyo. Bourdain finds great food in the middle of a Canadian forest in the dead of winter.

Scandal: Political drama, don't care, don't care, someone's either a cheating bastard or cheating whore, don't care, don't care, don't care... wait, is that Captain Jack Harkness? Holy crap, it is! Okay, watching it much more intently now... sorry, still don't care. We see too much sex scandal in politics in real life, and unless it's political figures who've preached family values who are unable to keep it in their pants, I'm not interested.

Once Upon A Time: I suppose this would make much more sense if I'd been following it from the beginning. Pity. Seems interesting as hell.

Doctor Who: So horribly behind. I'm working on that. I don't expect the internet to go to any trouble to hide things from me, but I do ask that no one tries to spoil me on it, as I'll be trying to catch up soon.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic: So horribly behind.

Kitchen Nightmares: Apparently Gordon Ramsay does grasp futility. The episode is here in two parts. I've been following the fireworks on gawker, yelp, and though I long ago swore to never go on reddit, I've been following it there, too. The head cook reminds me of Chancery Stone, but then, Chancery Stone was my first real easily-provoked, narcissistic lunatic, and as with Doctors, you never forget your first. If anything, Amy Bouzaglo is even crazier -- I've met six-year-olds with more maturity than her. If she hadn't found a ridiculously rich guy who apparently likes fucking immature brats, she'd probably be in prison. Or a psych ward.
fierynotes: Picture of Jerry Springer surrounded by the flames of Hell, with the caption 'What the fucking fucking fuck?' (wft)
In the show Babylon 5, one of the characters (the chief of security) had a yearly ritual of making a dish called Bagna Cauda. For those of you unfamiliar (as I was, before I saw the show), it's a hot dipping sauce in the manner of fondue, but it's made with olive oil, butter, garlic, and anchovies, and one dips vegetables into it. The station doctor tried to forbid the security chief from making it because, well, it's a heart attack in a dipping bowl. (He relented when the station chief pointed out he only made it once a year, in honor of his father, and even tried it himself. He admitted that it was really damned tasty, but insisted that his arteries started to clog just from being in the same room with it.)

Epic Meal Time, for those of you unfamiliar, is a YouTube show that glories in unhealthy shit. As far as I know, they've never attempted Bagna Cauda... and you can already see where I'm gong with this, can't you?

"Wassup haters? Today, we're making Bagna Cauda. It's like fondue, but better, because it's made with butter instead of cheese. Normally, you dip veggies into it, but we don't eat veggies here at Epic Meal Time, because veggies are for pussies. We're gonna dip BACON in this shit!"

(I know that Epic Meal Time beeps f-bombs. I have no doubt that the host would use the words "shit" and "pussies," but I don't know if these words would be replaced by animal sounds in post.)
fierynotes: Picture of Hotstreak, from the cartoon Static Shock.  He looks annoyed. (annoyed)
So, I hear Angelina Jolie has had some surgery.

I would love to get all unrighteously indignant and shit, but... I can't be arsed. Y'see I have this shocking and controversial belief that each person's body belongs to them, and to them alone. It's why I'm pro-choice with respect to abortion. It's why I object to laws against drugs like marijuana. It's why I feel people shouldn't feel pressured to get things like botox or face lifts, and it's also why I support anyone who actually does. It's why I feel I shouldn't have to justify my gym habits to anyone, and paradoxically, it's also why I don't think fat people should have to justify their lack of gym habits to anyone. Aaaand, it's why I'm not getting all upset over Angelina Jolie's surgery.

Getting truly upset about it is really only possible if you're a douchebro who thinks that Angelina Jolie had an obligation to keep her breast tissue to you, the red-blooded male cinema going public, and that this obligation trumps any health risks she may have faced if she kept it. Don't be that douchebro.
fierynotes: Picture of Discord. (discord)
"Did you know that scatomancy is an obscure form of divination from the seventeenth century, in which the practitioner would give a questioner purgative drugs and then direct them to defecate on a large marble table, and then, just as a tasseomancer would with tea leaves, the scatomancer would divine the future from the patterns of fecal matter deposited on the marble?

"Of course you didn't. Because it's a lie."
fierynotes: Picture of Hotstreak, from the cartoon Static Shock.  He looks annoyed. (annoyed)
As seen elsewhere on my friendslist: "It's Too Damn Big." Note that I'm not suggesting you watch this, and in fact I could only manage about forty seconds myself (and half of that on mute). Sadly, not all gay musicians are Tchaikovsky or Michael Tilson Thomas, or even Rob Halford or Pansy Division -- some of them are annoying synth-pounding twits. (To be fair, though, not all straight musicians are Mozart, either.) But the real irritation is one Jonah Falcon, a man who has in his favor a very large penis, a certain level of media clout... and absolutely nothing else. This music video is apparently the latest step in his quest to make sure the whole world knows he's packing over a foot.

This is hardly new territory. There are lots of really bad songs where the guy is bragging about his dick, so I shouldn't be surprised that Falcon went there. It was inevitable, I suppose. This is, after all, the guy who decided in July of last year to call Huffington Post and say "my penis was so big it got me frisked by Homeland Security." And Huffington Post, for some reason, considered that a news story.

Gods help us if he wins the lottery. He'd take over hundreds of billboards. Hell, he'd run radio spots. "I'm Jonah Falcon, I have a gigantic penis, and I approve this message." No, really, that's the whole message.

Ah, well, it could be worse. He could read Heinlein's The Man Who Sold the Moon, and decide that instead of spraying the surface of the moon with graphite powder in the shape of a soft drink logo, he could graffiti the moon to tell the world how big his dick is.

Hell, if he ever gets access to a TARDIS and a Red Dwarf novel, he might decide to go back in time and supernova a whole bunch of stars, making it so that everyone who sees the night sky sees the words "Jonah Falcon is hung like a donkey" spelled out in exploded stars. He'd obviously have to steal the TARDIS, as he's not really interesting enough for the Doctor to choose him as a companion, and the Doctor would never let him blow up a few dozen (possibly-inhabited) suns.

Not that I have anything against big dicks. Hell, I have one,¹ though I'm not in Falcon's league.² But guys, however big your gear is, chances are there's at least one plastic toy bigger than you, so it behooves you to be more interesting than the plastic.

(If I ever meet Jonah Falcon and conclude that he's actually interesting, I reserve the right to retract some or all of my statements about him. For what it's worth, though, I've seen him in certain spaces for online discussions, and he's struck me as a guy who plays the "I have a huge dick card" every chance he gets, because it's the only card he has. It's a perverse twist on how if the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.)

    1. Unless I'm lying. This is the internet, after all.³

    2. If I'm lying, I've obviously learned to keep my lies credible.

    3. Okay, this running joke has been fun, but I should probably give it a rest.

fierynotes: Picture of a B diminished 7th chord (B, D, F, A flat) followed by an inversion, in flames. (Bdim7)
I haven't listened to Slayer in several years, but I was still sad that Jeff Hanneman died four days ago. Then, I discovered that the Westboro Baptist Church are intending to picket his funeral, and I was suddenly amused.

Yeah. A small pack of lawyers trying to piss off a large mob of metalheads.

This'll end well.


fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)


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