As seen elsewhere on my friendslist: "It's Too Damn Big
." Note that I'm not suggesting you watch this, and in fact I could only manage about forty seconds myself (and half of that on mute). Sadly, not all gay musicians are Tchaikovsky or Michael Tilson Thomas, or even Rob Halford or Pansy Division -- some of them are annoying synth-pounding twits. (To be fair, though, not all straight musicians are Mozart, either.) But the real irritation is one Jonah Falcon, a man who has in his favor a very large penis, a certain level of media clout... and absolutely nothing else. This music video is apparently the latest step in his quest to make sure the whole world knows he's packing over a foot.
This is hardly new territory. There are lots
where the guy is bragging about his dick, so I shouldn't be surprised that Falcon went there. It was inevitable, I suppose. This is, after all, the guy who decided in July of last year to call Huffington Post and say "my penis was so big it got me frisked by Homeland Security." And Huffington Post, for some reason, considered that a news story
Gods help us if he wins the lottery. He'd take over hundreds of billboards. Hell, he'd run radio spots. "I'm Jonah Falcon, I have a gigantic penis, and I approve this message." No, really, that's the whole message.
Ah, well, it could be worse. He could read Heinlein's The Man Who Sold the Moon,
and decide that instead of spraying the surface of the moon with graphite powder in the shape of a soft drink logo, he could graffiti the moon to tell the world how big his dick is.
Hell, if he ever gets access to a TARDIS and a Red Dwarf novel, he might decide to go back in time and supernova a whole bunch of stars, making it so that everyone who sees the night sky sees the words "Jonah Falcon is hung like a donkey" spelled out in exploded stars. He'd obviously have to steal the TARDIS, as he's not really interesting enough for the Doctor to choose him as a companion, and the Doctor would never let him blow up a few dozen (possibly-inhabited) suns.
Not that I have anything against big dicks. Hell, I have
one,¹ though I'm not in Falcon's league.² But guys, however big your gear is, chances are there's at least one plastic toy bigger than you, so it behooves you to be more interesting than the plastic.
(If I ever meet Jonah Falcon and conclude that he's actually interesting, I reserve the right to retract some or all of my statements about him. For what it's worth, though, I've seen him in certain spaces for online discussions, and he's struck me as a guy who plays the "I have a huge dick card" every chance he gets, because it's the only card he has. It's a perverse twist on how if the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.)
- Unless I'm lying. This is the internet, after all.³
- If I'm lying, I've obviously learned to keep my lies credible.
- Okay, this running joke has been fun, but I should probably give it a rest.