fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)
This is my front page. If you want me to add you, drop me a line here. Or, add me. Either way, I'll check you out. You can also drop me a line here if, for instance, you don't have my email address. All comments here are screened.

This post also includes every tag I have -- this is because my current LJ style doesn't include a tag index. (At least half of my participation on LJ is on my phone. I chose this style because, as bare-bones as it is, it loads quickly and it's still readable on a small screen.)

I'd tell you more about myself, but that's what my profile -- and the rest of my LJ -- is for.
fierynotes: Picture of Hotstreak, from the cartoon Static Shock.  He looks annoyed. (annoyed)
So, Orson Scott Card has released a statement lately, about that movie coming out.

" Ender’s Game is set more than a century in the future and has nothing to do with political issues that did not exist when the book was written in 1984.

"With the recent Supreme Court ruling, the gay marriage issue becomes moot. The Full Faith and Credit clause of the Constitution will, sooner or later, give legal force in every state to any marriage contract recognized by any other state.

"Now it will be interesting to see whether the victorious proponents of gay marriage will show tolerance toward those who disagreed with them when the issue was still in dispute."

"Tolerance," eh? I wonder what he means by "tolerance?"

"Laws against homosexual behavior should remain on the books, not to be indiscriminately enforced against anyone who happens to be caught violating them, but to be used when necessary to send a clear message that those who flagrantly violate society's regulation of sexual behavior cannot be permitted to remain as acceptable, equal citizens within that society. The goal of the polity is not to put homosexuals in jail. The goal is to discourage people from engaging in homosexual practices in the first place, and, when they nevertheless proceed in their homosexual behavior, to encourage them to do so discreetly, so as not to shake the confidence of the community in the polity's ability to provide rules for safe, stable, dependable marriage and family relationships."

Okay, if that's the level of "tolerance" he's asking for, I find I can live with that. I can be far more magnanimous than that, really! With that in mind...

Go eat a dick, Orson. I'll consider seeing your movie when you're dead and therefore can't funnel your profits from it into promoting hateful causes.

I Saw Porno

Apr. 1st, 2013 09:41 am
fierynotes: Picture of Tarvek, from Girl Genius, facepalming. (facepalm)
For a few years, every time a Saw movie came out, I'd get drunk and watch it. Then, I'd type up a review of it. I watched these movies mostly because I have friends who enjoyed watching me tear them to pieces, and I got drunk first because mental impairment goes a long way toward making those movies genuinely scary. It was either that, or a head injury, and alcohol is temporary, right?

Well, there's been yet another attempt to cash in further on the franchise, and this time, there ain't enough alcohol in the world to make me watch it.

The DVD cover is under this cut. NSFW: contains sausage. )

Nothing against gay porn, mind, but one: I'm straight. Two: on the occasions when I bend the definition of "straight" a little, I favor guys who actually look like grown-ups. (Long hair helps, too -- I grew up in the eighties.) Three: even if I were a little gayer and into the barely-legal-age, this porn is a lot freakier than I care to be, or watch.

I Saw Porno
is part of a series on
Shit Sandwiches
The Movies:
Saw ISaw IISaw IIISaw IVSaw VSaw VISaw 3D

Other Comments:
I Saw BunniesSaw Home AloneSaw in 15 secondsI Saw Porno (NSFW)
fierynotes: Picture of Tarvek, from Girl Genius, facepalming. (facepalm)
There's this movie called "Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead." Just from a "best of" clip, it includes projectile vomit, explosive projectile diarrhea, a disgustingly literal take on that alleged skinny person who's just waiting to burst out of any given fat person, a bunch of chicken demons descending on a fast food joint that serves chicken (where they turn the tables on the human patrons), and a lot of sick humor. Gods help me, I laughed my ass off when one chicken demon said "I know it's fattening, but I just love the skin" -- after having torn a person's face off and started to eat it. I also giggled as a chicken demon tore a person's head off, cracked it over a grill, and started scrambling the brain as one would scramble eggs.

The "best of" is here. You can see the whole movie here as well, at least until Troma orders it taken down... oh, wait, Troma posted this! No hurry, then.

I haven't watched it yet. From what I've seen, it's typical Troma in that it ought to be disgusting, but the special effects are deliberately bad, which makes it kinda funny.

Meanwhile, YouTube has gotten in the habit of recommending things I'd rather not see. For instance, I wrote a post in which I linked to several clips by that assclown Onision, but since I had to watch them to judge them, YouTube keeps suggesting more. I watched a few clips of People's Court and Judge Judy, and YouTube thinks I need to watch more. And right now, it's suggesting that I watch a Japanese horror film called Grotesque.

According to Wikipedia, the plot of Grotesque is simple. A doctor spends the whole movie torturing a couple who just went out on their first date, stopping only to treat them so that they'll survive long enough for him to torture them some more. The couple eventually dies, after having lost various body parts between them ). The doctor goes looking for another victim. The end.

As much as I'll gripe that Saw and Hostel were blatant torture porn, at least those movies had plot. Grotesque can't even claim that. Not watching that shit.
fierynotes: Picture of a black sockpuppet. (footsie)
Some very bored statistician decided to create a cross section of performers in pornography, and came up with some startling figures. The average female performer is a brunette B-cup, rather than a top-heavy blonde, for instance.

Some slightly less bored video editor decided to create a video montage of male full-frontal nudity outside of porn (NSFW: contains sausage). There's some surprising variety here: little dick, big dick, glowing blue dick... and minotaur dick.
fierynotes: Picture of Discord. (discord)
I'm leaving very soon to see a friend I haven't yet met. But before I go, I offer two movie trailers for a sci-fi that appears to be about alien forces using marketing to invade our planet. Naturally, this movie had me at "hello." I hope it's done well.

fierynotes: Picture of Arsenal, from DC comics, who clearly sees something he likes. (leers)
So, YouTube is now letting people upload entire movies without breaking them up into ten-minute chunks first. And somehow, these movies aren't getting yanked down as quickly as they're going up. So, I watched a few.

Suspiria: This seventies horror movie is almost comically awful at plot and characterization... but let's face it, one doesn't watch Dario Argento for plot or characterization. One watches him because he's very good at atmosphere and his visuals are sodding beautiful, often in defiance of their subject matter. The first fifteen minutes of this film show one woman being stabbed, pushed through a stained glass window, and hanged, while another woman below dies from being impaled by massive falling chunks of stained glass window. Where most horror directors would settle for making this a scary and/or gory scene, he somehow manages to make this a work of art as well. If you've ever wanted to watch a horror movie while saying things like "the harsh lines of the butcher knife and the stab wounds create a delightful contrast with the more Jackson Pollock elements in the splatter of blood," or "here, we explore the innovative uses of lighting and color, particularly crimson, in this murder scene," you and Suspiria were made for each other.

Jackass 3.5: This is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad movie, and if Alexander the Great showed up in it, not even he could have saved it. It starts with one of the idiots agreeing to let a snapping turtle latch on his ass (I hope the poor thing got treated for food poisoning afterward), and goes downhill from there. Now, I've done some stupid shit in my youth -- hell, I made nitrogen triiodide, once! -- but I've grown up. These bozos haven't. I'm torn between thinking "dear gods, if I had friends like these, I'd move out of state and find better friends" and "fuck it, these twits deserve each other." Seriously, who the screaming fuck tries to ride a toilet on wheels down a steep ramp? Oh, wait. One of these idiots has just wired his scrotum to a mousetrap that kills the mouse by electrocuting it? Okay, I'll watch, because if you're stupid enough to fry your own balls for a bloodthirsty audience, you deserve to have people like me laughing at your dumb ass.

Flesh Gordon: Call me overly PC if you must, but I cringed at certain aspects of this movie. The female lead was a useless cupcake, and the scene where the lesbians go to town on her over her initial objections... yeurgh. I realize that this is a trademarked way to give a "good girl" "permission" to have sex in the face of the "only bad girls say yes" trope, and as such is a "product of its time" -- but that doesn't mean I have to like it. This movie managed to treat its gay supporting character with respect -- why not its female lead? Aside from this, though, the movie is hilariously cheese-tastic. "The sex ray's too good for your puny Earth. I'm going to burn your fucking planet to a fucking crisp!" Some time, I've got to watch the original Flash Gordon. It'll be interesting to see how much of Flesh Gordon's camp was its own, and how much was from its source material. (If you want to watch this movie, do it soon. Between all the boobs, the occasional wangs, and the copyright infringement, I don't know how much longer YouTube will let this video stay up.)

Masters of the Universe: I saw that this movie had a younger Dolph Lundgren in it in the title role (in a costume that shows much skin and looks vaguely like bondage gear), and immediately though "I bet I know a lady who'd like this one!" (I may have mentioned here and there that I occasionally see movies with a lady who likes beef.) Then, I watched about ten minutes of it, and concluded she probably wouldn't. She watches her girlish figure the same way I watch my boyish one, and this movie is way too heavy on the cheese.

The Lion in Winter: Sadly, not yet posted in one piece on YouTube. The closest thing I found was a theater production of it, and I'm not linking to it.
fierynotes: Picture of Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, from Girl Genius.  He looks tired. (tired)

For a while now, people had been complaining that Pixar hasn't given us a strong female lead. Now, they have -- and this isn't a mere act of appeasement. They did a stellar job. Merida (the leading lady) kicks ass. Elinor (her mother) kicks ass. The two are too damned much alike to get along well for most of the movie, though neither sees it until near the end. Spoilers and a rant follow. )

Seriously, go see Brave. It's terrific.


I had hopes for this movie. Having a female lead with two boyfriends in a movie was a bold choice. That said, she was a barely-two-dimensional plot device. Her whole point in the movie was to be the damsel in distress to drive the two male leads through the plot. Well, she also gets used as a device to get the primary antagonist to betray some spark of humanity.

The real story here is with her two boyfriends. There are a few sympathetic moments that illustrate a bond between the two (and I'm sure that there will be raunchy fanfiction exploring that very soon, if there isn't already), but for the most part, SPOILERS! )

I liked this movie, for all its flaws.

Magic Mike

Yes, I saw this movie. Why did I watch this movie? Oh, yeah. "...what we do for pretty women! Blowing out their candles, or combing out their hair..." Sorry. No idea what just came over me.

But yes, I saw this one with a date. The same lady with whom I saw Immortals and 300 a while back, in fact. And Death at a Funeral, which was a very funny movie in which Alan Tudyk spent most of his screen time naked. (Yes, the lady likes the beef. Fortunately for me, she also likes Alan Tudyk, and guys who look kinda like him.) We saw this movie, she took me to her place... and she decided that while I'm not exactly built like any of the guys in Magic Mike, I'm still not bad. And hey, I'm not the first guy to sit through a movie I didn't necessarily care for, for a lady's benefit. I'm just lucky that it was this movie, rather than, say, some drek like Pretty Woman.

All this said, the movie was funny in places, but kinda terrible. It's about an idiot kid who's taken under the wing of Duke from G.I.Joe, where he is welcomed into a male strip club by a pro wrestler, a lincoln lawyer, a con artist, a werewolf with a really big cock, and some guy on CSI. I think. I may have left someone out. Anyway, the kid gets into drugs and partying, and then starts selling drugs, and loses about ten grand worth of ecstasy. But his ass gets covered, because he leads a charmed life. I think. I confess, I really didn't care about the characters much at that point.

If you're a lady who writes slash, you should go see this movie. The guys are hot, there's enough affection between them to get your juices flowing, and for the most part the characterization is so lacking that you effectively have a bunch of hunky blank slates to play with as you please. If you're a gay or bi guy, you must see this, whether you write slash or not -- this movie is your Showgirls, except not as bad. (Yes, I'm aware I'm damning the film with faint praise. This is intentional.)
fierynotes: Picture of Tarvek, from Girl Genius, facepalming. (facepalm)
A little over two hundred years ago, some pervert named Marquis de Sade wrote The 120 Days of Sodom. For those of you unfamiliar, it's about four rich and powerful aristocrats who have been sexually abusing their daughters, who decide to throw their daughters in a castle along with either pretty young girls, eight handsome young boys, and four ugly old crones. Then, they enlist as accomplices four veteran whores and eight men with huge penises (four of whom de Sade doesn't bother to name), and spend four months doing no end of horrible shit to the daughters, pretty little girls and boys, and ugly old crones. (If I remember right, a couple of the castle cook's assistants get raped as well. The cook protests, and the perverts decide that actually having food is a good thing, so they decide not to rape any more of the cook's staff.)

There are people who will argue that this book is an amazing social commentary, an attack on those who would abuse their power... but no, I disagree. The Marquis de Sade was just a pervert. And not any of the fun or hot kinds of pervert, either. The 120 Days of Sodom ought to have ended with the lines, "wow, that's a hell of an act. What do you call it?" "The Aristocrats!"

Nearly forty years ago, some guy named Pier Paolo Pasolini (who isn't just some guy, but was apparently a towering cultural figure) decided that the Marquis de Sade's The 120 Days of Sodom really needed to be a movie, and created Salò o le 120 giornate di Sodoma. I can just imagine the sort of casting calls for it:
Wanted: eight pretty young women and eight handsome young men. Must be willing to be filmed naked, act like a dog, play a victim in simulated rape scenes, eat (and possibly bathe in) chocolate on camera, and ultimately be tortured (with bad special effects). Must also not be planning a career in show business, because after being in this movie, you'll quite possibly never work again.

Wanted: four tough young men. Must be willing to play rapists and be filmed naked (except for a large rubber cock). Must also not be planning a career in show business, because after being in this movie, you'll quite possibly never work again.

Wanted: four older men. Must be willing to play powerful brutes, dress (badly) in drag, eat chocolate and have lemonade dribbled on your faces. Must also not be planning a career in show business, because after being in this movie, you'll quite possibly never work again.

And a few hours ago, some poor fool named "fierynotes" decided, after arming himself with a mostly-complete translation of the script, to watch this beastly shitstain of a movie. In retrospect, this was not one of my better decisions.

The pacing of this movie is not merely slow, but glacial. Pasolini spent twenty-two minutes framing the horrors that will take place in that castle. After that, things got disturbing. About an hour in, I wanted to throw up. (There are a couple of infamous scenes of coprophagia in this movie. I don't care if the copro- in question was choco-, I wanted to throw up.) Then an ass-judging contest, then a mockery of a wedding in which our four aristocrats get "married" to the four guys with extra-large rubber cocks, then a mudbath (which made me want to throw up again). Ultimately, this movie ends with the victims being raped, tortured, and murdered... and the pianist, who's been providing the soundtrack for all of this abuse, decides to jump out a very high window. Can't say I blame her.

In every way that matters, this movie is faithful to the source material... but having the four veteran whores as storytellers makes the pace of the movie unbearably slow. (I suppose this is a blessing in disguise -- it helps to give the viewer a break from all the horrible stuff being shown.) It's just like the book in that if you squint, you can construe it as social commentary... but it's still just an Aristocrats joke.

One last thing I feel I need to add, and this is my music geek showing... this movie came out in 1975. Carl Orff died in 1982. I mention this because near the end of Salò, Veris leta facies ("The Merry Face of Spring," from Carmina Burana) gets excerpted, and if I were Orff, I would have sued the everliving fuck out of... well, I don't know. Pasolini was fatally stabbed shortly before Salò was released. But I would have found someone to sue, and then I would have sued them off the planet. I can only assume that Orff never became aware that his music was abused in this way.

I want a drink after watching this. I can only add that I'm glad I downloaded this -- I'd hate to have paid to watch this. I'll be deleting it as soon as I finish typing up this post -- I feel filthy just for allowing it to exist on my computer.
fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)
"It took me forever, Mister Director, but I've got every horror movie cliche, trope, and monster written on a slip of paper, and they're all in this box. Now what?"

"Well, Mister Writer, I draw three. Let's see, I've got 'don't go in the basement,' 'we should split up,' and 'the virgin survives to the end.' Now... Marry, Shag, or Throw off a Cliff?"

"Excuse me?"

"Marry, Shag, or Throw off a Cliff. You pick one of these slips of paper you want to marry, one you want to shag, and one you want to throw off a cliff."

"Are you serious? Okay, okay. I'll marry the virgin, shag 'don't go in the basement,' and throw 'we should split up' off a cliff... but I'll be nice and shag 'we should split up' before throwing it off a cliff."

"Great. Now, I just drew 'dumb blonde,' 'we've seen your tits so you have to die,' and 'cenobites,' Marry, shag, or cliff?"

"Dammit. I hate 'dumb blond.' I'm not only going to cliff 'dumb blond,' I'm going to marry it and put a life insurance policy on it, then cliff it. And I want to shag 'cenobites' but I'm afraid to marry it, so I guess I'm marrying 'we've seen your tits so you have to die'."

"Great. Now I draw three more..."

"Wait, how long are we going to keep doing this?"

"Until we run out of slips of paper."

"But there's over a thousand strips of paper in here!"

"Yes. Your point?"

"This is going to be a loooong night."

Two hours later, Mister Writer and Mister Director have the beginnings of Cabin in the Woods, one of the funniest damned movies I've seen in a very long time. And this is all I'll say about it, other than for the first five minutes, I thought I'd stepped into the wrong theater.

Go see it. It's gory, messy, horrible, scary... and it made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe.
fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)
Stolen from [ profile] drave117: the trailer for the new-and-improved Total Recall.

Yeah, I know, Hollywood running out of ideas and mining its past, and milking its previous successes for yet another run, blah blah blah. I agree. All that said, however, Ah-nuld didn't bring much to the first Total Recall except for muscles. (As I recall, he took quite a few groin shots in it, which amuses me. Not as many as Dane Cook took in some other bad movie, but he didn't deserve it like Dane Cook did.) The new version, with Colin Farell, looks like it has a much better chance of having actual acting in it.
fierynotes: Picture of Daimon, from Marvel comics, without a shirt.  'Look at me, I have muscles!' (flirty)
I have a really great post in the works about the Sin and Redemption narrative, and how it's too easy to employ it when your Sin did a lot of real-world damage and your Redemption is way too easy. It was going to start with Jay-Z deciding that since he had a daughter he shouldn't use the word "bitch" anymore, and Paula Deen endorsing a Diabetes medication after years of hate crimes against healthy living. I would probably have moved on to Newt's ability to forgive himself be forgiven by God for his ongoing inability to keep it in his pants, Michael Vick's rise from his momentary fall from grace, and Schwyzer's confession to an attempted murder (after having consulted legal experts to make sure he'd suffer no legal consequences for admitting it).

Sadly, that post is in major rewrite -- it seems that early reports of Jay-Z's intent to stop using the word "bitch" might have been a hoax.

So, some fluff!

The movie Showgirls first came out in 1995 (thank you, Wikipedia), and is notable for the fact that not even showing 170 tits could save it¹. Well, it seems that a mirror-universe version of Showgirls is in the works: Magic Mike (NSFW!).

Unless a certain lady (the one with whom I saw 300 and Immortals) decides she wants company when she sees this movie, I'll probably give it a miss. However, I'm delighted that this movie is going to exist. It needs to. For over fifteen years, there's been proof that some guys will sit through any movie, no matter how bad, as long as it has tits in it (hell, I watched the whole thing once...), and there's been no analogous movie for pecs and man-ass -- but very soon, there will be, and I'm sure it will be hilarious. I can imagine how certain lines from Showgirls will translate across the mirror...

"He looks better than a ten-inch dick and you know it!"

"He's no butterfly. Tony, he's all pelvic thrust. I mean, he prowls. He's got it!"

"What is this, a cucumber? This is a stage, babe, it's not a patch. See ya."

"You fucking slut, you touch my make-up again and I'll fucking kill you."
"Oh, I'm a slut? Well, you fucked that kid from the pizza place!"
"Well, you fucked the meter reader!"
"Oh, you're fucking dead! "

"You want a knuckle sandwich?"
"Oh, can I have mine anally, please?"

"I like big cocks. I always have. How about you?"
"I like having a big cock."

I know, I'm being a little unfair. There might actually be good writing in this movie, and so far, we really have no reason to believe there won't be. Soderbergh (the person directing Magic Mike) actually has some successful movies under his belt. But then, Verhoeven did, too. I'm also jumping a little too quickly to the conclusion that there'll be a lot of slash-tease, in the dialog I rewrote. There's a reason for that: I'm guessing that whatever the quality of the final product, it won't be just straight women going to see it.

    1. Yes, someone counted. Actually, a few someones counted, but they all come up with different numbers, including one odd number with all the even numbers. I'm guessing the lady in question was half out-of-frame, or the shot was of side-boob or something.

fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (studious)
Martyrs: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9]

Short version: a small conspiracy (which isn't properly introduced until about halfway through the movie) is out to discover what the afterlife is like. Well before the beginning of the movie, they've concluded that their best chances of achieving that goal are to push carefully chosen victims right up to Death's Doorway in the hopes that these victims will see into the doorway and report back on what they see. Unfortunately, this means torturing them almost to death, and stretching out that "almost" as long as possible. They call the ones who just die "victims," but the ones who actually see anything are called "martyrs." (At the end of the film, it's explained that the word "martyr" comes from the Greek for "witness.")

One could easily compare this movie to Hostel, considering that there's a lot of torture and degradation in both movies... but the resemblance ends there. Any idiot can make a movie with torturers who just do it for the hell of it. This movie has torturers who do it because they feel they must... and who, in fact, have great respect for their victims. Further, this movie doesn't gloss over the psychology -- where Hostel just revels in the physical torture, Martyrs lets a victim escape her torturers, but explores how haunted she is by her experiences, and lets us believe that she's haunted in the supernatural sense for half the movie. This movie is not some faceless monsters torturing some faceless redshirts -- both the victims and the antagonists are credible human beings. In fact, the antagonists are human enough that there's sympathy for them when SPOILER ALERT. )

Because of all this attention to human details, Martyrs is genuinely terrifying, where Hostel is just disgusting. (Someday, I may watch Hostel. If I do, I will be very drunk, and I will no doubt savage it in a journal post soon afterward.) It's an excellent movie... but very difficult to watch.


Nov. 17th, 2011 02:06 am
fierynotes: Picture of Daimon, from Marvel comics, without a shirt.  'Look at me, I have muscles!' (flirty)
In the red corner: King Hyperion. He fights with no honor and no care for any Rules of Engagement! He has a Bronze Bull that always has someone in it and a fire under it! He wants to rape every woman on Earth, so that it will be forever peopled by his descendants! He leaves big ugly scars on the faces of all his minions! He kills his henchmen when they deliver bad news! He deals with those who want to defect to his side by accepting their services... after having them sledgehammered in the nuts! He wants to kill the (obviously benevolent) gods! If he had any free time, he'd surely spend it stomping kittens! He's a monster, I tell you, a monster!

In the blue corner: Theseus. He's brave! He's dashing! He spends most of the movie looking amazing half-naked! He navigates a labyrinth by cutting his leg and leaving bloody footprints for himself to follow, because the traditional method of navigating a labyrinth with a spool of thread is totally weaksauce! He defeats a Minotaur because even when he's a pint low, he's just that badass! He frees the virgin oracle Phaedra (who looks amazing fully naked) from her curse of visions by having sex with her! You want a hero? You've got one!

Ahem. Sorry. Did I overdo the exclamation points a bit?

Obviously, one does not go in to see Immortals expecting interesting characters or depth of storytelling -- one goes for spectacle, and Immortals abounds with it. Every shot is artfully done, even if some of them are gruesome. The 3D is very well used, unlike a certain other movie based on a Greek myth with crappy 3D that I could name. The fight scenes are well-choreographed, and the bullet-time (which generally annoys the hell out of me) was limited to fight scenes with gods. The whole movie was a joy to watch.

And of course... the casting. This movie isn't wall-to-wall beef like 300 was, but it still had plenty. (I saw both movies with the same female friend. She approved wholeheartedly of Immortals. In comparing Henry Cavill to Gerard Butler et al, she preferred the former, speaking of "quality over quantity." Hell, even I will admit I thought Theseus was beautiful -- as I've said before, I'm straight, not blind.)

If you go in expecting grand visuals, you'll enjoy this movie, and the abundance of silly hats will be a bonus. If you expect anything beyond that, you'll be disappointed.

Media dump

Jul. 30th, 2011 10:36 am
fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)
A light post on few movies and TV shows I've seen recently, because I'm not quite up to tackling the current big story about a prominent LJ SJ person who's just been accused of rape and has responded pretty damningly to it.

I saw Interview with the Vampire lately. I don't want to sound like a queer or nothin', but Brad Pitt with long hair? I'd so tap that. I'd tap that like an army of quadrupedal tap-dancers in tap shoes trying to overpower a mournful trumpeter playing Taps. That said, I'd forgotten how annoying his character was. This movie was just over two hours, and he spent most of that time whining. Seriously, I wanted to staple-gun his wrist to his forehead. Is this what inspired thousands of teenagers to turn all mopeyfaced, imagining themselves to be Lestat or Louis, with all of Louis' angst but none of his reasons for it?

(I used to have the book. In fact, I used to have most of Anne Rice's books, aside from the really awful pornos, before I discovered I didn't really enjoy them as I once had, and give them to a friend. Was the book as full of "pity me, God in Heaven, for I am cursed" as the movie was? I barely remember it.)

Some roles in movies are nearly impossible, and you have to credit the actors for trying to pull them off even if they fail -- and if they succeed, even a little, you have to stand up and cheer. A ten-year-old girl is at a huge disadvantage trying to portray an adult woman, even one trapped in a child's body, but Kirsten Dunst did a better job than any reasonable person would think possible.

I've just reread the book Dune, after having seen the movie. So far, I understand every decision the director made. Patrick Stewart was a perfect choice to play Gurney Halleck (though he could have used more scars, and maybe sung a little), Linda Hunt was a perfect Shadout Mapes, Sting's acting range is kinda limited but he's a perfect Feyd Rautha (though if the movie were made today, they'd no doubt cast someone beefier in this role), the scenery is amazing, the script is very faithful to the book aside from putting some scenes in the wrong order and a few other deviances (cat-milking, ew), and I even understand why the director made these small changes. The only thing I fail to understand is how Dune failed so completely as a movie.

Now that I reread it, I have a sneaking suspicion that George Dubya Bush has read this book, and completely misinterpreted it. No doubt he saw himself as Paul Muad'dib, and his avenged father as Leto Atreides. Saddam Hussein and his sons were probably Vladimir Harkonnen and his nephews. And of course, I'm sure I'm not the only one who's drawn a line between "the spice must flow" and that horribly addicting black stuff that abounds in the Middle East.

Lately, I saw a few episodes of Murder, She Wrote with family. It's a little jarring to see someone solving mysteries and writing them when one is accustomed to thinking of her as hiding dead bodies by making meat pies out of them. I'm amazed at just how much social cache Jessica Fletcher has. She's basically a geriatric Angel of Death -- death follows her like a loyal dog, and yet she's welcomed with open arms everywhere she goes. Personally, I'd be terrified if she showed up at my front door. "Oh, you're here. One of us is going to die tonight, aren't we? I suppose that if it's me, I can take some comfort in knowing you'll figure out who did it... but of course, I'll still be dead."
fierynotes: Picture of Arsenal, from DC comics, who clearly sees something he likes. (leers)

It's been a long time since I've read Burroughs, but at first guess, Deja Thoris isn't anywhere near naked enough. At second guess, John Carter isn't, either. And since Disney is producing it, I imagine that these are the smallest complaints that can be made about this movie when it comes out.

Huh huh. Henh henh henh. "Barsoom." Huh huh. I said "barsoom."

(I should probably try to pick up that series again. I don't think I actually ever finished a book, but I have very vague memories of picking wood pulp out of my teeth and marveling at how much Burroughs enjoyed the human body.)
fierynotes: Picture of Arsenal, from DC comics, who clearly sees something he likes. (leers)
Dear SciFi SyFy,

At this point in time, you now have a very... impressive... back-catalog of original movies. Nearly 150 of them, according to your own website, all of which seem to have one thing in common: they blow dead goats. I understand why you're doing this. If you play other people's movies, you have to pay them for licensing. If you make your own, one day you hope that other people will play them on their networks and you'll get paid licensing. A cunning plan, except that no one is ever going to want to play your movies because they're so bad. I'm sorry, but they stink. They are stinkers and they stink.

But! All is not lost! I've thought of three ways that you can redeem yourselves for all of these bad movies in one stroke.

One: Hire a snarky astronaut and his two snarky robots to provide commentary.

Two: Hire a well-endowed snarky redhead who wears a black beehive to provide commentary.

Three: Hire a snarky astronaut, his two snarky robots, and a well-endowed snarky redhead in a black beehive to provide commentary. Obviously, this one's my favorite, and I thought I'd give you a little glimpse of what that enterprise might look like.

Sample image below the cut. )

I can't possibly be the only one who thinks that this could be a really good idea! I'm sure a lot of people would watch it!

[personal profile] fierynotes
fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (creative)
Not really a sequel.

"Hello, Joseph Thorne. For the past few years, you've been a police detective of -- at best! -- questionable ethics. Stealing cash and drugs from crime scenes, cheating on your wife with hookers... your sole saving grace is that when you discover someone leaving a child's fingers at crime scenes one at a time, you're determined to save that child. Little do you know that your quest will lead you to your own damnation. Sadly, Satan called in sick, so the role of devil will be filled by Pinhead, for whom this role is a huge stretch, but I'm sure he'll do his best. Where was I? Oh, yes. Welcome to Hell."

It's not that Hellraiser: Inferno is a bad movie. On the contrary, I liked this one a lot. It was very bloody as murder mysteries and psychological thrillers go, but for a horror movie, it was actually understated. As well-executed as it was, it's a textbook story about a vice-ridden protagonist being led into damnation by one of their virtues. The problem is that it should never have been a Hellraiser movie, and an extradimensional being who openly does not care what God thinks should not be acting as a decidedly Christian Adversary.

Ah, well. Aside from that, the movie is really quite good. It's on YouTube in its entirety, if you care to see for yourself.

Hellraiser: Inferno: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10]

This lady cooks, in all senses of the word.

Meet the latest bit of female eye-candy to cook on TV, Nadia Giosia, and her three sidekick bits of male eye-candy: Panos, Hans, and Yechezqel. (One of the running jokes on this show is that his name is only shown in Hebrew characters, and that no one else on the show can pronounce it.) If Food Network wanted a pretty blonde, they should have chosen this woman over Sandra Lee. One: unlike Sandra Lee, she can actually cook. Two: her show is fun. It's a little raunchy, a lot cheesy, a lot hammy, and it's the perfect antidote to chefs on TV who take themselves seriously.

In this episode, she complains that Gefilte fish is awful (trust me, it is), and she wants to make it edible. She does the same for parsnips and brussel sprouts here, too. The Bitchin' Kitchen crew have an anti-drinking drinking song... actually, they have a whole damned channel.

(Sadly, YouTube doesn't seem to have her show with key lime habanero cheesecake and key lime/hibiscus coulis. That looked amazing, and I'm not normally fond of cheesecake.)

Saw 3D

Oct. 30th, 2010 09:26 am
fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)
In keeping with tradition, I went to go see the latest Saw movie. In a bit of a break with tradition, because I planned to go get my workout after the movie, and because I'm still a little too easily-depressed to trust myself with alcohol, I decided to see it sober. In hindsight, this was a mistake. If this review seems angrier and darker than my last few, it's because I didn't properly anesthetize myself before seeing this shit sandwich.

Anyway, on with it.

One of the complaints about Saw I was that you not only never saw the villain coming, but you had no way to see him coming. In a murder mystery, it's cheating to introduce a character on page 293 and have him turn out to be the murderer on page 294, right? Well, in Saw VII, they take the opposite approach, introducing Dr. Gordon (who turns out to have survived Saw I) right at the beginning, and thus makes it clear he'll be involved at the end. So, instead of a villain coming from out of nowhere, we get thumbfingered foreshadowing.

As with the other movies, there are lots of deaths that only barely affect the plot -- in fact, due to the heavy use of flashbacks (I'll get to this in a moment), this movie has a lot more than the others. In fact, one of the threads in this movie is that Jigsaw has gone a lot more public, and the first trap is in a storefront, seen by thousands of people and filmed on dozens of cellphones with cameras. (A few people call 911, and one person tries to break the window with a suitcase, but the whole scene is very Kitty Genovese.)

One of the more "amusing" barely-related scenes involved a trap with Chester Bennington as a racist scumbag superglued to a car seat, in which he had to get out of the seat (ripping the skin off his back) and pull a switch to save himself and his racist scumbag friends. Because Chester Bennington is the vocalist of a certain whiny-ass band, I heard a certain song in my head, and it was all I could do not to stand up in the theater and scream:


He doesn't reach the switch in time, so his car comes off its jacks with the tires running, crushing his girlfriend's skull. The car itself runs forward, smashing into another friend and ripping a fourth friend's arms and lower jaw off. Gruesome, but we're dealing with white supremacists and the vocalist of Linkin Park, so we're not exactly supposed to have a hell of a lot of sympathy...

Anyway, the first of the two main plots. A guy has written a life-affirming book about his own experience with Jigsaw and how he has a new lease on life, he regularly visits support groups of Jigsaw survivors, he has a book tour... and then, he, his handlers, and his wife all get kidnapped. Are you one of those people who got burned when A Million Little Pieces turned out to be bullshit? Did you have your suspicions about A Child Called "It"? Well, you are this movie's target audience -- Jigsaw did this because the survival memoir was a heap of lies, and everyone involved, except the wife, knew it. In trap after trap, he tries (and fails) to save first his publicist, then his lawyer, then his best friend. He shows a little bit of promise when he opens a combination lock to get to the final room (the combination was etched on two of his molars, which he had to yank out). Then, he sees his wife, and a tape plays, as it usually does when a trap is introduced:

"Hello, Joyce. You've been the perfect wife, standing behind Bobby, a man you honestly believed to be a survivor of a horrible experience. It turns out that his experience wasn't real, though, so here he is and here you are. His experience was also not anatomically feasible, so you get to watch him show you how unfeasible it was, and then you get to burn to death in a Brass Bull. Live or die. Make your choice... oh, wait, you can't. Okay. Just die then."

Actually, I tease. The tape instructed Bobby to put hooks in his chest and then lift himself up about ten feet to connect a power cable, but the hooks ripped out before he could make it, so he failed. I'm just making a point about the Jigsawverse, in which it's apparently okay to burn an innocent woman alive to make a point to her husband.

Now, onto the second of the main two plots. Hoffman apparently survived the events of Saw VI. (In my review of Saw VI, I claimed he had died. I was obviously in error. Forgive me, I was drunk.) After he stitches his face back together, he goes after Jigsaw's widow, who tried to kill him in Saw VI, and creates a pretty impressive pile of bodies on his way to getting to her. He finally gets to her, puts her head in one of those reverse bear-traps, and sets it off. Obviously, she dies.

Then, Hoffman leaves, starts to burn his old hideout to the ground, and gets apprehended by three people in pig masks, one of whom turns out to be Dr. Gordon, who turns out to have been Jigsaw's most important accomplice all along. (This actually makes sense. At least one of Jigsaw's traps would have required a surgeon.) Gordon chains Hoffman to a wall, in the same bathroom he took his own foot off in in the first of the Saw movies, and seals him in. Hoffman will now starve to death in this room, unless he's needed for more sequels, but considering that Gordon is clearly Jigsaw 4.0, and has two accomplices, we may be able to have lots and lots of sequels without Hoffman.

Hell, with so much room for sequels, I may just write one myself. I even have a title for it: "I Saw Zombies."

Stay tuned.

Saw VI
is part of a series on
Shit Sandwiches
The Movies:
Saw ISaw IISaw IIISaw IVSaw VSaw VISaw 3D

Other Comments:
I Saw BunniesSaw Home AloneSaw in 15 secondsI Saw Porno (NSFW)
fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)
Still fighting depression. Still not online much. So, something to try to lighten the mood?

A hundred cheesy lines from movies. Unsurprisingly, a lot of them are from Star Wars (Lucas, you hack), and a lot of them are from Schwarzenegger. Some of them, while cheesy, are still awesome. (At 2:00, from They Live: "I have come here to chew bubble-gum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubble-gum.") Some of them are kinda bad, but not truly awful. (At 2:30, from Wicker Man: "Killing me won't bring back your god-damned honey!") And some of them are just really, really bad. (At 8:58, from Star Wars III: "Nooooooooooooooooo!")

My favorite one is easily the one at 9:15 from Shark Attack 3, where John Barrowman (who's normally very, very gay) offers to eat Jenny McShane's pussy. (That was apparently an outtake. The director told him to say something to crack her up: he said it, and she giggled, so it worked. Barrowman didn't really intend for the line to appear in the film, but someone left it in.) My second favorite is at 8:10 from Showdown In Little Tokyo, where Brandon Lee is commenting (favorably) on Dolph Lundgren's penis size.

And of course, at 5:20, "I have had it with all these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" And right after that, from Showgirls, "I like nice tits. I always have, how about you?" "I like having nice tits."


fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)


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