Thank you for writing. I'd originally intended to reply to you, but you deleted your whole damned LJ, so I can't. Here, then, is what I'd intended to tell you. I've worked around a few things, since I didn't originally intend for this to be a public post, but the overall direction remains.
You have two major problems, as I see it. The first is you've created a huge mess. The second is that you are that person who created a huge mess. I know these sound like the same problem, and they are related, but one has to do with the world around you, and one has to do with you as a person.
Let's talk about that first problem. I'm very sorry to say this, but there is likely nothing you can do to save those friendships. It's not just the feeling of betrayal -- you'd be surprised at how people can get over that. The problem is that you're just too damned good.
You are, really. When I said you belonged onscreen or onstage, I wasn't joking... and everyone involved realizes just how good you are. No matter your sincerity, or your devotion to being better, there's going to be a doubt in the back of everyone's mind... and because you were such a brilliant performer in the past, there's no way you can assuage their fears.
(I am obviously aware of this phenomenon, but I'm not any more immune to it for that awareness. I am trying like hell to assume good faith on your part, and part of me -- most of me, in fact -- still insists that this letter you've written to me is simply another act in the play.)
There is nothing you can do about this. You very likely can not fix this mess. You should probably work on not making your current mess bigger, and not recreating it with new people.
I had hopes for you, until I saw you'd commented elsewhere, threatening to start the drama all over again, stating that you've saved every scrap of evidence. What the hell do you hope to accomplish? If your goal is to tear that other party down, how will you benefit? Even if you are the victor in that cage match -- unlikely, as you have a huge
credibility problem -- do you think you will get back any of the relationships that you once had, that are now in ruins? Do you seriously think that starting all that shit up again won't make you look even worse? Do you simply not care, as long as you can drag someone down into hell with you?
At least, with me and likely with others, you appear to feel remorse, as well as disgust with yourself. This is good. You've done some really shitty stuff, and the fact that you appear to recognize this -- and hate yourself for it -- shows you're not completely a lost cause.
This is the simpler of the two major problems you're facing. The answer is, in theory, really simple -- stop being that person. Decide what you want to be, and work on being that. You've already done this once, in deciding that you do not want to be a junkie ever again. (For what it's worth, I do believe you were a junkie once, just as I was.) Do so again. Decide that you are not going to be that liar ever again. But don't do this for me, or for any of the people you've hurt. There's likely nothing you can do to reach them or get them back. Do it for yourself. Do it because you want to be someone you don't hate. Do it because self-hatred hurts, and this is the only way you can make it stop that won't end up killing you.
As a side note, since you mention drugs... many drug users have, for lack of a better way to put it, a hole in their heart, and drugs make it very easy to pretend that hole isn't there. You very clearly still have that hole. Find something good and meaningful to fill it. Religion is one of the more common things -- if you've read any AA literature, you'll find it mentions god a lot. Myself, I chose weights -- in addition to putting on a lot of weight at the gym, I've found it to have great value as anger management, and an unlikely form of meditation. Somehow, I doubt either of these are for you, but something out there is. Find it.
On a more personal note, I appreciate your apology. I find that I'm reluctant to tell you to piss off for good -- think of it as a small glimmer of hope on my part. That said, I am absolutely not ready to let you back in, and I strongly suspect I never will be.
As I said earlier, you're just too damned good.
(Comments are screened. If lunaseastar
wants to reply, I want them to be able to. For that matter, if any of you have been contacted by them lately (I know one of you has, and I suspect others as well), I welcome your thoughts.)