fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)
This is my front page. If you want me to add you, drop me a line here. Or, add me. Either way, I'll check you out. You can also drop me a line here if, for instance, you don't have my email address. All comments here are screened.

This post also includes every tag I have -- this is because my current LJ style doesn't include a tag index. (At least half of my participation on LJ is on my phone. I chose this style because, as bare-bones as it is, it loads quickly and it's still readable on a small screen.)

I'd tell you more about myself, but that's what my profile -- and the rest of my LJ -- is for.
fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)

I would never have thought, in a million years, to cast Joanna Lumley as The Doctor. And yet, now that I see this, I really want to see her play The Doctor for real, not just the last two minutes of a comedy sketch! Don't get me wrong -- I think Capaldi will be a very good Doctor, especially if they let him swear a lot -- but I would watch the shit out of her.

(In a similar vein, someone on Tumblr wants a TV or movie version of Welcome to Night Vale to exist... and they want Jason Momoa to play Cecil. I would never have thought of this -- I picture Cecil as rather skinny, to tell you the truth -- but as with Joanna Lumley as The Doctor, I really want to see it.
fierynotes: Picture of Arsenal, from DC comics, who clearly sees something he likes. (leers)
See this movie (NSFW!)?

It's aimed at the straight porn-addicted market. The sequel will be aimed at the gay male porn-addicted market. It will include a character named "Phil-'im-up Robertson," and the first scene will show him saying offensive things about gay people, but a few hours later he'll be thinking of hot guys and vigorously massaging his own prostate with a duck call. In at least one subsequent scene, he'll take two dicks in his ass at once. Two dicks and a duck call, if he's really ambitious.

Now, I should point out that I'm straight (mostly), and that my interest in porn is minimal -- a lingering side-effect of having done web design work in that field. That said, if this porno ever comes out for real, I will buy it.
fierynotes: Picture of Arsenal, from DC comics, who clearly sees something he likes. (leers)
Saw a lot of TV at work lately. Since my new job doesn't have idiot boxes blaring in the background, this will likely be my last foray into television for a while. (Most of these comments were written before I left my electronics retail job in favor of drawing blood.)

Phineas and Ferb: Still seeing new episodes of this show regularly at work. It's still awesome. I've clearly done Disney a grave disservice by assuming that all their shows are idiotic. Maybe I should give other Disney shows a chance...

Kickin' it: "You take some duck and some poop and some duck and some poop, you get a duck poop stack, a duck poop stack!" The serious stuff in this show involves at least one moral per episode. The less serious stuff is seriously weapons-grade dumb. I'm totally not kidding about duck poop.

Dog with a Blog: Disney seems to have no problem occasionally casting pretty dudes with long hair. Speaking as a dude with long hair who's often mistaken for pretty, I like this trend. Too bad the show's kinda awful -- the talking dog is the most clever character on it. And okay, I kinda laughed out loud when he came up with the idea of a ranch for free-range "bacon-wrapped cats."

Lab Rats: I was hoping that this show would be clever from the frequent appearance of science, mad and otherwise, in it. I haven't been this disappointed in a dumb-as-hell show since I first discovered that The Big Bang Theory was dumb-as-hell.

Crash and Bernstein: Disney meets Jack-ass with a muppet. This show makes Kickin' it and Lab Rats look like fucking brain surgery. Okay, I think I've given Disney shows enough chances by now. I won't be watching any more unless I get specific recommendations.

Gravity Falls: On the subject of specific recommendations, a friend told me I needed to get into this, and so far it's really good.

MASH: Saw this movie lately. I've clearly been under the influence of evil feminists for too long. I found the scene with Major Houlihan getting exposed during a shower not even remotely funny, and honestly, if someone did that to one of my female friends in real life, I might help her hide bodies. I've seen the TV show, and enjoyed it a lot more than I enjoyed this movie.

Animal House: This movie might have been funny, though kinda dumb, back before we had a smirking, privileged, sociopathic chimpanzee in the White House for eight years. Seeing it post-Bush is an altogether different experience -- it's quite a bit funnier, and at times terrifying.

Trading Places: Watching a black grifter, a formerly-privileged white guy, a butler, and a hooker screw two unscrupulous rich assholes is kinda gratifying, and there are reasons this movie is a classic, above and beyond a pretty terrific cast. It's definitely a product of its time though. The scenes with Dan Aykroyd disguised in blackface would never fly in a movie made today.
fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)
A series of animated .gifs has been going around Tumblr. I just had to go find the scene:

I didn't have any success with a scene in which an alien androgyne asks Riker to describe his sexual organs to her¹, which was amusingly awkward for Riker, but if I'd found that, I would have posted it, too. As it is, I just have aliens trying root beer.

(My use of the pronoun "her," above, is not misgendering. The being in question was actually female, though she had to hide it from the rest of her species (her species stigmatized its small handful of "male" and "female" members), and eventually her brain was "corrected." This episode was really good -- not only was it a scathing commentary, but it had a conventional leading man falling in love with a being that would be at an unconventional point of the gender spectrum if they were human, and it was depicted positively. I consider this both a social good in and of itself, and a delightful way to piss off certain kinds of assholes.)
fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)
These days, most of my TV consumption (aside from the internet) is either at work, or at the gym in the cardio section. I look forward to receiving a box from Amazon with a waterproof mp3-case-and-headphones and some shampoo that's good for overexposure to chlorine -- when that arrives, I'll be able to cut some TV out of my life. Still, there's some interesting stuff on.

Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown: I've come to expect Anthony Bourdain to be a culinary daredevil, so in one respect, I was disappointed by this show -- no discoveries of disgusting things that turn out to be delicious. On the other hand, it's very cool that he explores little places out in the middle of freaking nowhere that happen to serve stellar food. Any idiot can find great food in New York or Tokyo. Bourdain finds great food in the middle of a Canadian forest in the dead of winter.

Scandal: Political drama, don't care, don't care, someone's either a cheating bastard or cheating whore, don't care, don't care, don't care... wait, is that Captain Jack Harkness? Holy crap, it is! Okay, watching it much more intently now... sorry, still don't care. We see too much sex scandal in politics in real life, and unless it's political figures who've preached family values who are unable to keep it in their pants, I'm not interested.

Once Upon A Time: I suppose this would make much more sense if I'd been following it from the beginning. Pity. Seems interesting as hell.

Doctor Who: So horribly behind. I'm working on that. I don't expect the internet to go to any trouble to hide things from me, but I do ask that no one tries to spoil me on it, as I'll be trying to catch up soon.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic: So horribly behind.

Kitchen Nightmares: Apparently Gordon Ramsay does grasp futility. The episode is here in two parts. I've been following the fireworks on gawker, yelp, and though I long ago swore to never go on reddit, I've been following it there, too. The head cook reminds me of Chancery Stone, but then, Chancery Stone was my first real easily-provoked, narcissistic lunatic, and as with Doctors, you never forget your first. If anything, Amy Bouzaglo is even crazier -- I've met six-year-olds with more maturity than her. If she hadn't found a ridiculously rich guy who apparently likes fucking immature brats, she'd probably be in prison. Or a psych ward.
fierynotes: Picture of Hotstreak, from the cartoon Static Shock.  He looks annoyed. (annoyed)
TVs at my work. TVs at the gym. TVs in places where I occasionally eat. People ask me if I miss TV, since I haven't owned one for over fifteen years. How could I miss TV? I can't escape from it!

Trisha: A talk show with cheating bastards, cheating whores, lie detector tests and paternity tests. Just in case, you know, Maury and Montel didn't fill that niche completely enough.

Unique Sweets: These people all have dirty minds. Or I do. Possibly both. One of them talks gleefully about how cream gets beautifully whipped when making tiramisu, and I wonder if there are floggers in her bedroom. One of them talks about how easily gelato goes down, and I wonder if this is also true of the hosts. One of them delights at the thought of adding melted butter to a dessert, and I think of a certain scene from When Harry Met Sally. One of them describes a cake as being chocolate on top of chocolate, and I'm pretty sure he's actually thinking about two black dudes getting it on. (I may sound like I disapprove, but I really don't. I really like the idea that people can get this passionate about good food, even if I only rarely understand it. These people would doubtlessly be just as perplexed by my passion for music.)

Sandwich King: Really, Food Network? Really? A show about how to make sandwiches? Oh, a thousand pardons, you show us how to make hot dogs, too. Seriously, if I thought there were actually any cleverness to the webside Food Network Humor (Warning: kinda idiotic), I'd be waiting for them to tear you a new one.

Judge Judy: One of my friends describes Judge Judy as a complete bitch, and he hates her with a passion that would be considered slightly excessive even in Doctor Who fandom. I agree that she's an asshole... but I think of all the times I've dealt with the completely useless call-center monkeys of a certain prepaid cellular company, and how I've gotten a little short with them at times. I only have to deal with those idiots once a day, on average. Judge Judy deals with idiots all the time, and where my idiots are merely incompetent, hers are blatantly lying to her. I think I'd be an asshole, too, in her shoes.

The People's Court: Like Judge Judy, but with eye-candy. If I were female, I'd be hoping to look as good as Judge Marilyn Milian when I hit my fifties. (As it is, being male, I'm aiming for Dmitri Hvorostovsky). In every other respect, this show is like Judge Judy, with some astonishingly stupid people trying to lie very badly in front of a judge and thinking they can actually pull it off.

Devil's Carnival: A short movie made by the lunatics responsible for Repo: the Genetic Opera. They took some big risks on this movie (giving the butt-monkey from Five Finger Death Punch a technically difficult song, for instance), and some of those risks really paid off. Some of them didn't. Parts of this movie seemed terribly rushed, and I think it should have stayed in development a lot longer than it did. Still, for all its flaws, I enjoyed it.
fierynotes: Picture of Discord. (discord)
"Hi, I'm Giada de Laurentiis! In a bid to improve my presence on the internet, I've decided to start having guests from popular YouTube shows. Today, my very first guest is the Annoying Orange! Now, where did I put my zester...?"

I'm joking, of course. Seriously. We all know Giada would NEVER misplace her zester -- she uses the damned thing at least three times per episode.

But seriously, I can't be the only one who'd like to see the Annoying Orange being flayed alive by Giada the Cruel, can I?

(Edted to add...)

"For my second episode, I tried to invite Onision, but he declined. I guess I'm much too old for him..."
fierynotes: Picture of Hotstreak, from the cartoon Static Shock.  He looks annoyed. (annoyed)
Gawker is such a time sink.

So, there's this show called Mad Men. It's supposed to be really good, and people rave about it being "period," where the clothes are vintage, and everybody smokes, and the writers are really blunt about period sexism. Seriously, that's all I know about it, other than the smokin' hot redhead with the curves from hell.

Oh, and there's a new season starting soon. I know this because one of the stars went out, photos were taken, and the internet is talking about how big his penis is. I seem to recall that similar buzzing came out with certain guys in other movies... didn't the internet go crazy over Superman's crotch when at least one Superman movie came out? Hell, a while back (here on LJ, here on DW, locked because I'm a bit shy), I posted about some band that leaked some cock shots shortly before they put out a new CD. Too bad the music was complete rubbish...

I see a trend. In a few years, whenever a new movie comes out, one of the leading men will "accidentally" leak a few private photos from his phone. Only if he has a big one, of course. If not, there's allegedly this falsie that was used on the set of the Spartacus: Blood and Sand series, and he can borrow that. Or just go out in public with a strategically placed pair of socks and a press crew.

There are things you talk about before you're married.

Guys, I hate to say this, but the size of your penis is one of them, especially if you're not in the center of the bell curve. If you have a really big one, a lady (or another man, depending on your tastes) has a right to know before they agree to spend the rest of their life (barring divorce) with you. Telling them "surprise, you're gonna get torn in half on a regular basis!" on your wedding night is just bad faith. Granted, there are lots of ways around that, but a little understanding and effort is going to be required by both parties. Likewise, if you have a really little one, hiding it from them until you have a ring on their finger is bad form. Not that sex is impossible with a small penis, but again, a little understanding and effort is going to be required by both parties.

All this applies even if one or both parties doesn't believe in sex before marriage. Communication. It's kinda important.

(I find myself thinking of that one Gilda Radner skit: "...and on their wedding night, the princess found that the prince had an itty... bitty... teeny... tiny... little... bitty... teeny... tiny..." (Bell rings.) "Never mind!" You can find that skit here, though not by Gilda, sadly.)

Perez Hilton has a new fashion accessory kid. I feel so sorry for the guy. the kid, I mean. Why did Perez Hilton have to have a kid? Did he run out of beaches to do handstands on? Wasn't the world better off without that twit having decided to spawn? Oh, and look, he posted photos!

If this were anyone else, I wouldn't bother to pay attention. Lots of people post dozens of baby photos when they have kids. Since this is Perez Hilton, however, I have this barely-controllable urge to doodle crude things all over his photos. And judging from the comments in that article, I'm not alone. Fair is fair, innit?

In a few of those photos, Perez Hilton is scantily clad. Again, normally I wouldn't bother to pay attention, but this is Perez Hilton. So... you know that one guy in the gym? Yeah, that guy. The one with the absolutely amazing upper body, who's all look-at-me-look-at-me-look-at-me with a shirt that he's hacked so much of the sides and front and back out of that it covers his navel and almost nothing else, and if he moves near a fan, you can even see that? Isn't that annoying? Well I get the same vibe off Perez Hilton in some of those photos. "Look at me, I have a chest now!"

(The previous comments maaaaay be slightly biased on the grounds that I think he's a scumbag. Perez Hilton, I mean, not that exhibitionist musclehead. That exhibitionist musclehead is merely annoying.)
fierynotes: Picture of Hotstreak, from the cartoon Static Shock.  He looks annoyed. (annoyed)
Odd Folks Home: The intro for this show, with the fly buzzing around the mansion, led me to half-expect a decayed host with a taste for awful puns. I only saw one episode of this, and was really impressed by the craftsmanship of the guy making robots... wait, are those censor bars? Then, I saw him buying 1/4" tubing at a hardware store, and explaining that he was going to attach it to a robot he'd made of a Ken doll to endow the robot with what Ken never had. The rest of the people on this show were similarly... off. On the other hand, their hobbies are completely harmless. And hey, fucking robots might be real in the future, though I think they'll look more AI than Metropolis.

Man vs. Food: A guy tours the United States, looking for places to gorge himself stupid. This show disgusts me, it repulses me... and yet, I can't look away. But then, I always get queasy about eating contests. There's a part of me that's amused by the fact that one of the most fearsome competitive eaters is a little guy with a six-pack, but watching him eat dozens of hot dogs in one sitting makes me just as sick.

Giada de Laurentiis: For fun, take one drink every time she says "yummy." You'll be buzzed by the end of the show.

Rachel Ray: For fun, take one drink every time she says "yummo," or any other invented word. You'll be smashed by the end of the show.

Guy Fieri: For "fun," take one drink every time he says "flavortown," or any invented word. You'll be dead by the end of the show.

Robert Irvine: This one's amusing. Take a chef, and give him impossible challenges like "cook a meal for several hundred people with inadequate equipment," or "spend several hours in the same building as Guy Fieri without giving in to that overpowering urge to beat the crap out of him." (Do google image searches on Robert Irvine and Guy Fieri, and keep in mind that in addition to his obvious physical advantages, Robert Irvine is ex-Navy. No way would Guy Fieri win that one.) He usually succeeds. Lately, he's also trying to rescue desperate restaurants -- a little like Gordon Ramsey, but with much less swearing.

Ina Garten: Her cooking appears solid. No, better than that -- she appears to be very competent. (There are people on my list who are qualified to discuss her cooking, but she is far enough above me that I can't really judge.) However, that's only the first part of the show -- the second part involves what one of you here on my list referred to once as "Martha's Vineyard clownfucking foppery." When I saw this part at work, I was barely able to make sure there were no customers in the store before I yelled "Martha's Vineyard clownfucking foppery" at the screen. Now, I've got my coworkers doing it, because that phrase is just so FUN.
fierynotes: Picture of Hotstreak, from the cartoon Static Shock.  He looks annoyed. (annoyed)
So, there's a show about a guy I'd happily shag, a whole bunch of women who make me completely forget that I'd happily shag the aforementioned guy, and a TV network.

The TV network is the real star of this show. It pairs Mr. Beautiful with each of the Ms. Beautifuls, flies them all over the world, puts them up in lavish hotels, surrounds them with excitement and beauty both natural and man-made, and if they were able to beam the song "Love is in the Air" directly into their heads (and ours), they'd do it in a heartbeat. Mr. Beautiful and one of the Ms. Beautifuls might be in love, really -- but they're also high on romance. Doped to the gills on it, to be honest.

Look, I like romance! No, really! February of each year, I frequently end up buying way too much good chocolate, and drinking too much wine (or vanilla whisky, on a few occasions). I definitely appreciate how candlelight makes me feel like the most beautiful man on the planet (at least until I have to brave normal lighting conditions again). On certain occasions, my love of the fast and brutal gets gently pushed aside in favor of the gorgeous and stringy¹. For that matter, one of the reasons I'm learning to make desserts that involve setting fire to things is for the sake of romance! (The fact that I have a bunch of just-friends who enjoy watching me set fires in their kitchens and eating tasty desserts afterwards is definitely a plus, too.)

I guess, in a way, I'm jealous of those people on TV. I have to put work into romance (in all fairness, the people involved with me put work into it as well), and if we liken romance to a drug, I get the equivalent of a bottle of good wine. These people on TV have nearly all the work done for them, and they're getting the equivalent of a truckload of high-quality heroin. The part of me that really loves that bottle of good wine is a little resentful that the truckload of heroin is forever out of my grasp. I admit it.

The more cynical part of me wonders about the day after. Mr. Beautiful has chosen his Ms. Beautiful, and they get married, happily ever after, blah blah blah. The TV network breaks up with them and moves on to new contestants, a bit like that asshole who moves on to a new lady once he's succeeded in bedding the current one... and I think of how much I hated life for a while after I finally quit meth for the last time. I also can't help thinking that I had many people I thought of as good friends that I only knew in the context of drug use, but once the drugs were no longer in my life, we drifted apart. Or moved apart, because we really didn't know each other at all. Or pushed each other apart, since I was suddenly "no fun anymore."

(For purposes of this post, I am making a whole lot of assumptions, some of which may be completely wrong. For instance, the assumption that it's all real people on The Bachelor, as opposed to characters being played by actors. This may be naive on my part...)

Meanwhile, those of us watching are getting a whole different set of messages. We're being enticed with the truckload of high-quality heroin. We're being told that this kind of thing is only available to the beautiful and perfect-bodied, and don't we wish that were us? (I think I remember seeing ads for Weight Watchers on this show, but since I was at the gym and watching five TVs at once, I confess I may have mixed them up a little.) We're being told that this truckload of heroin is the be-all, end-all of romance, and that we should be willing to spend boatloads of money on it.

I really need to start wearing a blindfold or something when I'm doing cardio at the gym.

    1. It's been a while since I've done one of my "you know this piece of classical music" posts. I need to do another soon, and this piece is definitely one of them.

fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)
"I'd like to thank the internet -- Google in particular -- for making it possible for me to write this song, and the Academy -- Seth MacFarlane in particular -- for making it necessary."

We saw your peen. We saw your peen.
In the movie that we saw, we saw your peen.

Kevin Bacon, we saw your peen in "Wild Things."
Vincent Gallo, we saw yours in "The Brown Bunny."
Jason Segel, we saw yours in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall,"
in a break-up scene that was painful but sorta funny.
Jason Mewes in "Zack and Miri Make! A! Por! No!"
Richard Gere in "American Gigolooooo!"
Sacha Baron Cohen in "Borat," M.C.Gainey in "Sideways,"
But have we seen Tom Cruise' peen? Noooo!

We saw your peen. We saw your peen.
In the movie that we saw, we saw your peen.

Bruce Willis, we saw your peen in "The Color of Night."
Jason Biggs, we saw yours in "American Reunion."
Russell Crowe, we almost saw yours in "Hammers Over the Anvil."
Tom Hardy, we got to see yours in "Bronson."
Harvey Keitel was naked in "Bad! Lieu! Ten! Ant!"
Jaye Davidson in "The Crying Gaaaaaame!"
Mark Ruffalo in "In the Cut," Michael Fassbender in "Shame,"
Ewan McGregor, we saw your peen in "Velvet Goldmine."
...and "Trainspotting."
...and "The Pillow Book."
...and "Young Adam."
...and whatever you're shooting right now.

We saw your peen. We saw your peen.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles!

We saw your peen. We saw your peen.
We saw your peen. We saw your peen.
Peen, peen, peen, peen, peen, peen, peen, peen...
We saaaaaw! yooooour! peeeeeeeeen!
fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)
My cold has asked me for a rematch, so I'm watching more TV on my computer lately.

Adventure Time: I am really torn on this show. On the one hand, it's a really adorable show with a really bleak backdrop: there's UXO in the opening credits, and occasionally, the Earth is shown with a big chunk blown out of it. There are a few random moments of brilliance in this show, but they're small islands in a vast sea of stupid. One friend of mine insists that this show is about a hopelessly insane, disfigured mutant kid and his hallucinations, which is... well, pretty horrific for a cartoon. I still can't get into it. I tried.

Tales from the Crypt: If a horror series consistently fails to scare you but makes you giggle regularly, is it still good? This show is kinda awful, but I like it. Even if it's, ahem, problematic. Even if the writing is cheesy. Even if the crypt-keeper regularly assaults the viewer with puns so bad even Spider Robinson would boo and hiss -- in fact, I think I like the crypt-keeper more than I like the rest of the show. And judging from YouTube, I'm not alone.

Babylon 5: One of the drawbacks of not owning a TV is that I miss out on some very good shows, sometimes for years. This one is terrific -- and I've only finished the first season (and am told by friends that I'm in for a really wild ride). Characters with depth, diversity among humans instead of monoculture, aliens which are actually alien (with alien cultures and alien beliefs)... I know I'm being unfair to Star Trek when I say this, because Star Trek was a product of its time, but Babylon 5 succeeds where Star Trek failed. I haven't had my feelings for a franchise shaken this badly since Doc Smith destroyed most of my enjoyment of Star Wars.

South Park: I just discovered that pretty much every episode is online. I just finished watching The Tale of Scroties McBoogerballs, which is nonstop toilet humor. Or, depending on your point of view, it's a scathing statement on just what is really accomplished by banning books, a frank depiction of how children will dodge responsibility, and a healthy side order of The Emperor Wears No Clothes, except as applied to literature. And there's really seventeen seasons? Has it really been going for that long? Shit. I was already low on free time as it was.

King of the Nerds: watched this at work, with a colleague. I took it as an opportunity to explain product placement to him. "Notice that they went to the trouble of mentioning that the pizza came from Little Caesar's, and one of the contestants actually said 'pizza-pizza' onscreen? Little Caesar's doubtlessly paid for that. And you see that there's a Radio Shack room, and it's littered with merch? Radio Shack paid handsomely for that." (One of the trivia questions asked in an elimination round had to do with Game of Thrones. I wouldn't be surprised if HBO paid for that.) I hate this show. It's a lot like Big Bang Theory, which I hate for depicting geeks as socially clueless and/or creepy. Honestly, some of us aren't... and some of us are, but know it and would rather not embarrass ourselves on TV. Combine this with the usual reality TV drama and backstabbing...
fierynotes: Picture of Hotstreak, from the cartoon Static Shock.  He looks annoyed. (annoyed)
There is something perverse about watching the show "The Biggest Loser" while at the gym. It's more perverse considering that at that late hour, nearly all of us there were already lean and either burning off a little winter fluff, or maintaining their current lack of winter fluff. It's even more perverse when you consider that the ads on this show were pushing a place called Planet Fitness, a competitor of my current gym. The product placement was probably appropriate -- the audience in this case was not. (As skinny as I am by gymrat standards, I'm pretty sure that my current bench would make me unwelcome at Planet Fitness -- if not, my goals certainly would. And at least half of the people on treadmills at the gym that night were bigger than me.)¹

This was my first exposure to "The Biggest Loser," and I hate it beyond all reason. Not that I believe that encouraging exercise and other healthy habits has no place on TV -- I just don't believe The Biggest Loser does anything to accomplish that. I had great respect for Jack LaLanne. I have great respect for Richard Simmons (the fact that I personally find him grating is irrelevant here). My complaint is that neither Jack LaLanne nor Richard Simmons displayed the level of cruelty you'll see in "The Biggest Loser." The Reality TV format seems to be inherently cruel, and it should never have crossed the streams with a show about weight loss.

Also? I've never tried to lose more than that couple of extra pounds we all gain around the holidays, so I could be wrong here, but... losing twelve pounds in a week strikes me as cause for alarm, not celebration. I feel safe in guessing that at least half of that loss is in water, which is bad for one's health. You know, health? That thing they're supposedly encouraging their contestants to pursue by losing weight? Meanwhile, losing a mere (mere?!) four pounds in a week -- which also strikes me as dangerous, but again, I'm not a dietician -- is cause to be sent home.

I hate this show, and I hate everyone responsible for making it.

    1. Don't get me wrong -- I'm glad places like Planet Fitness exist. I may have pointed out the fear of being judged that many people who aren't already gymrats face at certain gyms, and from what little I've heard, Planet Fitness seems to be a safer space in that regard. The fact remains, however, that from what I've heard, I don't belong there. And neither did most of the other people in the gym with me that night, seeing the ad for it.

fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (creative)
Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends: Oh my god o my god o my god o my god! I love this show! How have I never seen it before now? This is freaking amazing! Sadly, I'm having to catch it on youTube, which means that lots of episodes are missing, but there are still plenty there, and o my god o my god o my god o my god o my god! And I'm keeping this one close to my heart because when Santa's reindeer start shitting in my ears, I'll need some Christmas stuff that isn't moldy garbage.

Jimmy Two Shoes: I've seen two episodes of this one, and I like it a lot, though I'm not a rabid fanboy like I'm quickly becoming for FHFIM. It's about a kid in Hell, with a rather dimwitted demon for a best friend, and holy crap, this show is aimed at kids? I can't be all that surprised, because I grew up with cartoons involving transvestite rabbits, irresponsible hunters, would-be rapist skunks, and trigger-happy prospectors... but this cartoon takes place in Hell! It's like the people who made this cartoon don't think that small children are easily scarred!

Crossed: A trainwreck in comic book form, started by Garth Ennis and continued by others. In this world, humanity has been overrun by... well, sentient sadistic zombies who can turn you into one of them by bleeding on you, spitting on you, or jerking off onto bullets and shooting you with one of them (canon example). The comic is ostensibly about the survivors, and what they have to do to survive (and more to the point, how much humanity they have to give up in the name of survival when surrounded by inhuman monsters), but the writers all seem to be trying to top each other (and themselves) in how many vile things they can pile into a comic. "I'm going to have the zombies rape half their prisoners, then watch as the rape victims turn to zombies themselves and rape the other half of the prisoners!" "I'm going to show someone being beaten to death with a severed horse-cock!" "I'm going to have a guy cut a woman's lips off and wear them around his cock until they rot off!" "I'm going to have a zombie rape a dolphin in the blow-hole!" When he worked for other companies, Garth Ennis had limits. (There was plenty of sick shit in Preacher, for instance). Crossed abounds with sick shit, to the point of overpowering anything else that might make the comic worth reading.

Clive Barker: I've been rereading his short stories again. Very good writer, with very lovely prose, even when it's completely at odds with what he's describing with it. I reread The Hellbound Heart, and found myself surprised that the cenobite with the pins and the grid cut into its scalp... had a little girl's voice, not the booming baritone we've all come to expect from Doug Bradley since, and the grid was tattooed, not cut. So much has changed. And Clive Barker has a tumblr! Cool! I remember he was an artist as well, and... oh. Never mind. (Click if you're into naked dudes and body paint and occasional weird shit, but not if you're at work.)

Sherlock: The BBC version, with an otter playing the title role. I remember reading somewhere, someone complaining that modern technology has killed the murder mystery. In fact, at the time, I thought they kinda had a point -- I remember seeing several episodes of Murder, She Wrote a while back, and found myself thinking that none of the mysteries would have worked if the characters all had cellphones. In this version, Holmes and Watson have embraced technology, with Holmes mass-texting people at press conferences and being able to tell that a person with a drinking problem owned a cellphone, and Watson being encouraged to write a blog. It's Moff, with all that implies, both good and bad. I'm told there's another modern take on this series, with Watson being an Asian woman. I'm sure that as a white dude I'm supposed to be offended by this, but honestly, why not? (Perhaps I lack appropriate respect for the canon material or something...)
fierynotes: Picture of Arsenal, from DC comics, who clearly sees something he likes. (leers)
Those of you familiar with the Star Trek Universe no doubt remember that whenever Klingons were exposed to human food, they always found it horribly bland. Meanwhile, whenever humans were exposed to Klingon food, the food always resembled the extreme end of macho pissing contests. (In particular, I remember an episode in which a Klingon tried to politely disparage a meal of delicately-flavored fish that Picard had prepared.)

Am I really the only one who wonders why some human somewhere never introduced Klingons to the habanero? I can't imagine Klingons having a neutral reaction to it -- they'd either hate it, or it would revolutionize Klingon cuisine!

Or, imagine if the first contact with Klingons had not been with someone like Captain Kirk, but with some hypothetical Captain Jagdip Bharadwaj, a kindly old man whose chicken vindaloo recipe would be considered a fire hazard in Hell? The Klingons would have a very different opinion of humans after an introduction like that!

...Someone should write that!
fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)
So, here I am, Travelling Matt, and every week I'm sending off a postcard to Fraggle Rock. This week, I'm writing about all the things that Sillycreatures watch on these glowing boxes in their houses.

Daria: I was helping a friend excavate his floor, and we had several episodes of this on his DVR. It's just as good as I remember it. "She knows she's a winner, she couldn't be thinner, she goes to the bathroom and vomits up dinner." I have no idea why it's being aired on Logo (a channel aimed at the LGBT demographic), unless there's an extra season I haven't seen where Daria gives up on Trent and asks Jane out. Or maybe Quinn's three male suitors give up on Quinn and go to town on each other. (In the episode where Daria ended up being a substitute teacher, one of them actually suggested that Romeo and Mercutio were a thing. Daria didn't agree with him, but gave him a good grade for arguing it well.) Still, it beats Noggin, a channel aimed at children that always edited out the funniest lines.

Pioneer Woman: Her food looks like it will clog your arteries just as quickly as Paula Deen's. That said, from my very limited exposure to her, she appears to be a much better cook. Her potatoes au gratin actually sound good, as opposed to Paula Deen's macaroni and cheese, which just looks frightening.

Necromentia: A cheating girlfriend, a necrophile, a drug-addicted professional torturer (his victim tipped him with ketamine, and he promised her two free sessions if the ketamine helped him kick heroin), the torturer's brain-damaged younger brother, and a handful of demons including a minochoir¹ who sings "Ode to Suicide Joy" all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at this motley crew, and if he weren't mute, he'd say, "what is this, the set-up for a joke?" This movie is actually quite good, for all its many flaws... including glacial pacing and non-linear narrative from hell. Oh, and if you're triggered by suicide or self-mutilation, give this movie a pass. Most of the soundtrack was done by someone who clearly loved Beethoven, but trust me to notice that.

The Possession: An adorable little girl opens a box, and gets possessed. I think I was able to make out some of the Hebrew carved into the sides of the box: דיבק and פיתין שמוק. I kid, I kid. Seriously, the only way I'd be able to read Hebrew in a movie is by freezing the frame and consulting a Hebrew-English dictionary, and that's not happening in a theater. I quite enjoyed this movie. Think of it as a modern-day version of The Exorcist, but with rabbis instead of priests trying to perform the exorcism, and without the shitty sequels (yet).

Doctor Who: Still as fun as ever. Also, as self-aware as ever. "Yes, we know this show is cheesy, but we're still gonna make you forgive us for it." The episode "Dinosaurs on a Spaceship" was well past cheesy and into buttery, and I still loved it. The parts about John Riddell being a male chauvenist -- and getting smacked down by Nefertiti and offered lessons in Gender Politics by Amy Pond -- were hilarious, more so for appearing in a show that Moff is producing.

    1. As far as I know, "minochoir" isn't really a word. The ancient Greeks didn't have a large man-shaped beast with a pig's head running around in an underground maze, so they never felt any special need to coin a name for such a creature. If they had, "minochoir" would at least be close. Think "minotaur," but replace the tauros (bull) with choiron (pig).

fierynotes: Picture of Daimon, from Marvel comics, without a shirt.  'Look at me, I have muscles!' (flirty)
(I was inspired by a lady who was talking about crossovers in her own LJ, and while she wanted to cross a couple of these streams herself, she and I went in different directions. I'm not going to attempt to write this. If anyone wants this idea, take it -- it's yours. I ask only that you write it well, and link me to the finished work.)

Once upon a time, there was a con artist named Neal. In addition to being a gifted con artist and forger, he was very good-looking. Women fainted in his presence. Gay men fainted in his presence. Straight men took one look at him and said to themselves, "women, what women?" and then, as they turned gay from momentary exposure to him, fainted in his presence. Okay, I exaggerate, but the dude was hot. You've seen him, haven't you?

Well, a year ago, he tried to take down a drug dealer. To do so, he applied for a job at a strip joint where one of the dealer's distributors was working part-time as a DJ. To complicate matters, he did what no con artist should do in the middle of a con: he fell in love. One of his fellow strippers, Richie, was a beautiful person inside and out, and it didn't hurt that he had a huge cock. (Richie was also a werewolf. This comes up later.)

The con goes wrong. Very wrong. Neal skips town, leaving Richie (who's understandably hurt, and very angry because he's missing half the facts), and trying to find help... which brings us to the bar where he meets Nathan Ford.

After many complications (Eliot will no doubt get into a huge fight with Richie, hopefully not during the full moon), and many other crossover twists (Sophie ended up pretending to be a total self-centered whackjob for purposes of conning some other guy with a huge cock in the UK a few years ago, and I'm sure with enough twisting, this can be made relevant to the plot), the drug cartel gets taken down, Neal apologizes to Richie, the misunderstanding is all cleared up and they still love each other, and the story ends with teh hawt ghay buttsexxors, because this is a crack-filled slashfic, and that's how all crack-filled slashfics end.
fierynotes: Picture of Arsenal, from DC comics, looking very pissed off. (angry)
So, here I am, Traveling Matt, and every week I'm sending off a postcard to Fraggle Rock from Outer Space. This week, I'm writing about all the things that Sillycreatures watch on these glowing boxes in their houses.

Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives: I saw one episode that featured a Moroccan restaurant in the middle of Texas, and actually wanted to eat there, because the cook actually used vegetables and the food actually looked really good, which I think may be a first for this show. Then, I saw a couple more episodes and was strangely reassured to find the same jerk showcasing yet another purveyor of salty greasy carbs and proclaiming it "flavortown." Speaking of "flavortown," if I ever watch this show again, I'm bringing rum, and I'm taking a swig every time he says it.

Restaurant Stakeout: I spent the first few minutes watching this show amazed at how much the owner or manager of a restaurant will expect their staff to put up with. Then, I spent the next several minutes amazed at the kinds of assholes who end up working in restaurants.

Gail Vaz-Oxlade: A financial consultant with two shows devoted to using a cluebat on people who are bad with money -- one for married couples, one for young women. It's amazing how clueless some people are about the distinction between needs and wants. For instance, having fifty-inch TVs in multiple rooms (including your five-year-old's bedroom) is a want. A thousand-dollar computer is a want (unless you're an artist or musician or something, and can claim it as a business expense). Partying and clubbing every night is a want. Clothes-shopping every week is a want. And so on. Admittedly, many people in this country are having a hard time with money not because it falls through their fingers like water, but because they make barely enough and all it takes is one calamity to push them over... but this show doesn't talk about them. (Mostly, I suspect, because there's no outrage in watching someone who's sinking because medical bills are destroying their lives... or rather, no outrage for the people on the show.)

Criminal Minds: Forgetting for a moment my new crush on Penelope Garcia... this show scares the crap out of me. Unlike L&O, for instance, which mostly confines itself to the crime, this show focuses on the criminal, with special emphasis on the psychology. There have been a few episodes where the person was just born bad, but most of the episodes I've seen so far involve a normal person was somehow turned into a monster by outside forces. If you're at all introspective, you might start thinking about how the wrong environment might have turned you into a monster. If you had abuse in your childhood and still turned out decent, you might wonder if the only reason you haven't turned into a monster is that the abuse wasn't bad enough to push you off that cliff. Or maybe I should just be a little more careful about what TV shows I watch when depressed.

Boomerang: I've been putting this channel on at work lately, in the evenings. Usually, we end up catching Dexter's Lab, Powerpuff Girls, and Johnny Bravo. All fun shows. (I have to wonder about Johnny Bravo's workout routine, though. He looks like he could bench 500, and yet he'd have trouble squatting even 50.)
fierynotes: Picture of Arsenal, from DC comics, who clearly sees something he likes. (leers)
"Do not mess with gymnasts. They will kick your ass, and make kicking your ass look like a work of art."


fierynotes: Picture of Destruction, from the Sandman series, reading a book and slinging a guitar. (Default)


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